You must take good care of yourselves, before you can, take care of, anyone, else, hello, hello, hello??? Isn’t that the GOLDEN rule??? Uh, D-U-H!!! Translated…
Upon reading “Caring for the Self, or Taking Care of, My Whole Family” by the writer, Wei, it’d reminded me of my nine years’ worth of caretaking experiences, my mindset then, along with the issues in my adapting to the society after my caretaking responsibilities, ended.
The year my mother turned seventy-nine, her immune system caused her to have paralysis of her facial nerves, her health deteriorated too quickly. Without siblings, I’m the primary, caretaker, my husband would run the errands for me, to go out for the groceries, while my son is already independent on his own. Back then, I’d thought, “it’s my duty to care for my aging mother”, but I’d, ignored my own psychological, and physical wellbeing in the process, causing myself to get trapped, in this, long-term warfare, to the point I’d become, completely, isolated with the outside world.
Later as my mother became demented, her personality changed, to easily angered, her words were always hurtful, to the point of becoming immobilized due to osteoporosis, to bedridden, the whole process was like that manual of life, becoming demented, losing her bodily functions, wheelchair, the feeding tube, the repeated visits to the hospital treatment clinics, E.R. visits, hospitalizations, 911 emergency, we’d gone through it all, not missed a single one, until she’s, passed away.
Because of how the schedules of sleep and wake is flipped for my mother, I’d basically, rolled around in her mess every day in the middle of the nights, sometimes, as I’d washed her toilet, I’d wondered, when do I get to finally sleep through the nights again? To the point, of wanting these days of darkness to end soon……and yet, right afterwards I’d, felt so guilty, for wanting my own mother to die, and cried in the bathrooms, but, before I was done crying, my mother started cussing at me again, for no reasons at all.
During the time, I’d, had the caretaking helper, the social workers to assess the situations, but, due to a lack of manpower, my mother was only given twice a week, an hour and a half each time’s service, to the point that the time was cut off completely, all because my mother called the caretakers, “stupid”, and so, I’m, all alone, in this, battle again.
On the day my caretaking duties ended, the Buddhist master told us to take turns to get our meals, my son took me to get the fried dumplings, and suddenly, I’d realized, that I’d not known, how to cross the intersections, because there’s the green light and the green figure, which one do I look at? As my friend took me to the food courts, I’d asked, “there are so many people here, and we’re so far off from where the shop we’d ordered from, how would the cashier know to deliver the foods to which table?” my friend was surprised, taught me in the means of teaching a child, “as the foods are ready, that round buzzer will start to glow and vibrate, then, we will use the gadget, to pick up what we’d, ordered.” At that moment in time, I’d felt, I was from another era of time. As for watching how others buy their fares, using the coffee machines, all of it had, caught me, off guard.
I’m grateful for my husband for taking us to his hometown of Kinmen to visit often, my friends for taking me to travel all around, and grateful for my self, for willing to come back out of my own shell, to adapt to everything that’s, brand new to me. And now, as people asked me if they should hired an extra set of hands to help care for their aging elder, I’d always responded back to them, “you must, loving your families does NOT mean sacrificing yourselves, otherwise, after awhile, the love you have for your aging parents will turn to disgust, and you will, end up, despising, and hating them.”
And so, this just showed, how you need to ask for the help that you are in need of, in caring for your own elderly parents, especially in this day and age, when everybody is working for their own separate lives, we can’t care for our own aging and ill parents by ourselves and work too, because we’d burn out too quickly, and if the primary caretakers fall down, what’ll happen to the ones needing the care? Exactly, so we must all, take good care of ourselves first, before we can and are able to, care for, anybody else, and no, that’s still NOT being selfish.