What My Miscarriage Taught Me

How the recovery from the loss of a child is ongoing, how it’s something that we women work on, every single day of our lives, how healing don’t happen, immediately, nor overnight, the trials of her life, and she’d, made something positive of this experience, translated…

Back in September, due to all the signs being there, I’d taken a home pregnancy test, and I was pregnant, at the moment, my fear was greater than my joy, reason included that my eldest son was only turning two, and that sense of uncertainty toward my future, economic considerations, etc., etc., etc.,; and yet, with my husband’s consoling me, I’d tried to accept and expected the new life to come, and, although, my morning sickness sent me deep into, the abyss of my own discomforts, for the sake of this child, I’d, taken everything in.

And, on a weekend after about a month later, as I came home from my grocery trip with my husband and my son, I’d found that I was bleeding a little, although when I’d carried my older son, this happened, but, as I was not yet into my first trimester, for the sake of security, I’d still gone to see the gynecologist the following day.  And yet, after the exams, the gynecologist had a bad look on his face, told me, “this pregnancy of yours, your ovum had atrophied, there’s no heartbeat at this time, there’s a high chance of this pregnancy being a miscarriage, I recommend that for the next week, you stay off your feet, and if there’s still no heartbeat, then, I recommend that you have an abortion.”

Being too shocked, I’d never imagined this as a possible outcome.

illustration from UDN.com

As a medical staff member myself, I’d understood, that the gynecologist was using a most conservative way to express what he wanted to express to me.  And yet, as I walked out of his office, I’d started searching for the key terms: “atrophy of the ovum”, “causes of atrophy of the ovum”, “cases of miracles from ovum atrophy”……………and what I got, the primary cause of atrophy ovum was due to the abnormality of chromosomes of the zygote, causing the fetus to stop growing; unfortunately, there’s not a single case of success of any pregnant woman being told that she had this.  And yet, I’d still, held on to the hope, even though I’d known the facts now, I just, couldn’t quite accept it yet.

That evening, my husband who’s not verbally expressive, gave me a hug, told me, “I will be by your side, everything we will go through it together!”

After I’d, gone through the process of resting myself, with my uneasy mind, I’d, walked into the hospital for the exams again.  In a few minutes’ time, the gynecologist, with his frown, told me slowly, “the ultrasound showed, that this is a failed pregnancy”.  I knew, I’d expected to hear a miracle, also hoped I would be, blessed with one, but I didn’t have that.  My mind went blank, I’d not cried, but couldn’t think either, toward the gynecologist’s explanation of what follows next, the abortion, I was like a computer, malfunctioning, couldn’t understand a single word.

As I got into the car, my husband asked if I wanted a drink, I’d nodded.  As he got out to buy my drink, I stared out the window, at the intersection, I saw a pregnant woman with her husband, they were holding hands, with that smile of blessing on both their faces; I’d patted my own belly, and started losing control, wailed loudly.  At this very moment I’d come to understand, just how much I’d, wanted this baby, as I was, worried about the economics, the care, I’d actually become, ready for this baby, but how come, I’d not, noted this?

For the days that followed, I’d blamed myself for everything, started pondering what I was doing wrong, if I wasn’t good enough?  Did I wrong someone, to cause this, say the wrong things to someone?  I’d felt responsible for letting my husband down, letting my in-law, as well as my own parents down too.  I felt I was wrong in this, even though I’d known, the reason for my miscarriage, I’d still, projected all of these, negative feelings onto my self, and started crying day in, and night out.  My husband still stayed close by my side, took care of me, but I couldn’t pay attention to anybody else, just, sank lower, and lower, into, that deep, dark abyss I’d made for myself.

Until one day, as I watched my son hopped around, ran around me, and came toward me, for a hug, with that bright and childish smile, looking at me, I’d suddenly remembered, it’d been, too long since I’d, played with him.  I was too deeply, trapped, within my own sorrows, forgot that my son needed the love and the care from me too.  id’ started, trying, to get back to the way I once was, although I couldn’t, switch my moods immediately, but I’d, tried to get along with my depressed state.

After a few weeks, I’d felt the severe pains of my lower abdomen, then I saw the miscarried, although I’d started crying again, but I’d felt, at peace inside.  I’d whispered, “baby, goodbye, if we’re meant to meet up, then we shall.”, and, I’d, put that end to my own, emotions then.

Recalling how in the past, I was too afraid, to face anything negative that’s in my life, always avoided the situations, expected that this world has nothing but the positives, filling up this life of mine; and yet, what this baby taught me was, to face up to my own loss, to find a best way that fitted me, to get along with what’s already happened in my life, I’m more than certain, that I’m stronger, because of this miscarriage now.

And so, this is the process of a woman, recovering from a miscarriage, and this is really hard on us, because we feel the physical, AND emotional sides of the loss from the miscarriages that we have, especially when the woman was very expectant, to have this new addition to her family, but she’d still, recovered, maybe not fully yet, but she’s, on her way there.