Missing Persons

On a student who’d, dropped out, who’d, kept his teacher’s heart, wondering, endlessly…translated…

I Saw, that Underneath, Your, Hedgehog Covers, There was, that Soft Heart Wrapped within………

I’d Once Prodded, How You’d, Come to, This, “Home” of Yours

The middle school graduations this years, seemed to be, reduced in sorrows of parting, everyone came home by “shifts”, and turned in their selections of high school they wanted to enroll into, you came too, with that white shirt, and black workout pants, with your backpack in one arm, just as handsome as you had been, but, without that smile of not being in school too long, and that connection with the rest.  At the gates, you’d told me, you’d, have the cash for the graduation yearbooks, with the tiny bag of cash wrapped up given to you by the social worker.  I’d told you, I’ll turn it in for you.  You’d handed your cash to me immediately, then, just, left, and yet, that was, the very last time I ever, saw you.  Two days later, your social worker called me, that you’d left the children’s home at around eight in the evenings, and she didn’t know where you were.  You’d, left, without looking bac, this “home” you couldn’t, find belonging in.

I’d once, gently prodded you on how you came, to live in this, “home” of yours?  You’d stated, “the courts mandated it”, with ease.  And, I’d also learned from your social worker that your childhood wasn’t happy, and you got hurt by your father the deepest.  Later, you’d gained mastery in the martial arts, won the championship trophies, said that you no longer, feared him, the next time you see him, you’ll be the one, beating him down.  I’d replied, “You’re so stupid, it’s illegal to beat someone, you will get jailed, stay in school, study hard, use the law to put him to justice, that, is the right way to go about it!”, you are, an extraordinarily intelligent kid, you’d immediately start smiling ear to ear, “he’s already in the cages.”

You’d love to carry your bowl at lunch, and wandered to my desk and carried on in, unimportant, and casual, conversations, until you’d, finished your foods, then, put your bowl and chopsticks into the cabinets.  And because, you’d washed what you used right before lunch the next day, I’d, nagged you over it, and threatened, that you will be doing the whole class’s dishes from here on out, to which you’d replied instantly: no problem!  You’d even brought a bottle of detergent from home too.

I’d loved nagging you, loved making fun of you.  Consoled you to not smoke, that girls don’t like to kiss and smell the scent of cigarette on your breath.  I’d laughed at you on how you’d told your P.E. coach you needed to end the practices earlier, to prepare for your high school entrance exams.  I’d written you up one too many times, not writing the assignments in your assignment books, not turned in your homework, smoke too much, carrying the contrabands to school, bad attitude, but you’d never, carried a grudge.  You’d always boasted on how easily you will get rid of all the punishments I’d enforced onto you, and you had too as you’d, promised me to, before your, graduation.

illustration from UDN.com

When your temper rose, nobody can stop you, you’d, caused me to get angry, I’d, pointed to your nose, and, kicked you out, of my, office.  You knew I really am, angry then, came to apologize, three times, and, I’d, kicked you out three times too, wanted, to help you rub off your, hotheaded, temper.  I’d told you I don’t want to bother with you again.  You’d asked me, “What do you want me to do?  You won’t take my apologies.”, and that, was when I saw, that soft, true heart, wrapped, in your, prickly external, coverings.

You would play coy with me in your own way too.  I’d asked, “Where did you get such a cute Santa print mask?” you’d asked, “You want it?”  I’d continued, “normally, when a student hears a request like this, s/he would, immediately, hand it over!”, and you’d, handed me, an entire box of it.  The stationeries of the classroom always, fell into, that unknown, blackhole, I’d asked you to find them for me, then, you’d, brought a whole box of, brand new staples and a stapler to me too.  Saw a thank-you card from one of my students, you’d asked, “You like getting these?”, “Sure do!”, I’d looked at you, with my eyes wide, you’d patted your chest, “I’ll bring you an even bigger one another day!”  how I’d hoped, you could, keep true to your promise.

Did Anybody Hug You When You Feel Sad?

The Memorial holidays in April you’d, looked forward to too long, I’d prepared you the snacks for the road.  You’d asked me curiously, “Did you buy all of it?”, I’d nodded, “yep!”, you’d started, grinning at me with your teeth showing, “so much?”, actually, that, is so little I can, do for you.  I’d treated you as a kid who’s out traveling only, thought of what sort of a snack you would enjoy, what sort of drinks you would like?  Worried you might take up smoking again, I’d thrown in, two more packs of gum in too.  I’d felt, that you were, happy, and as you’d come back, you continued being, happy.

So, why did you, suddenly, go?  What happened?  What were you, thinking of?  The day you didn’t show up, I’d, asked your friends to give you the word, unread, unreplied.  I was able to get your social network account name from a friend, and I’d immediately sent you the message, “You all right?”, you’d replied back immediately, “okay!”, “Where are you going?”, “nowhere, really.”  “Do you have money for food?”, “Yep”, “a place to stay?”, “yep.”, “Your social worker’s been looking for you, why don’t you call her to tell her you’re all right?”, “not necessary!”, then, you’d, left your, final words, “don’t bother with me, that’s it.  Then, no matter how many times I’d, texted you afterwards, you’d not read, not, replied back.

Back in school, I’d heard you mentioned repeatedly, that you wanted to leave, “Do you know how long I’d, put up with it?”, I don’t know how to offer you the consoles.  Every evening after school I’d rushed home to cook for my own children, I’d, made my way past the children’s home, wondered how you’d, gotten through, those, years of your life?  When you were younger, did your family ever, hug you when you felt sad?  Cook for you?

This day, I was, reminded of you again.  The typhoon is coming, the rain was outside, I’d read a poem by Lee, “Missing Persons——Posting the Missing Child’s Posters in the Rain”:

The Tears from Someone’s Home Got Lost

The Echoes of the Shoes Tapping at the Pavements Outside All Lifted Their Heads to the Skies

The Thunders Called Out “Mom” Loudly

Is Anyone Listening?

The Drizzling Photo

That the Rain Had, Kissed, Over, Over, and Over, Again

October had, Flipped Over the Walls, Returned to You

It’s Autumn Now

Worried about the Wintertime

With the Firecrackers Screaming Loud: Child, Child

Are You Cold?

Planting Down a Bed of Dreams, to Cover You Up

The rain in the morning, came, and went, the sun would tilt its head out from time to time, I’d, walked my son out to get some air.  He’d lifted his head up, looked in the skies, then stated, “there will be a rainbow soon.”  I’d lifted my head up as he—child, child where had you gone?  Did you not hear my tears getting lost?  Can you, pluck down the shade of a rainbow?  Oh, how I miss you so.

And so, this, is how a kid, who was, steered to the right path, went down the wrong paths again, and you can see how much this school teacher worked, so very hard, to touch this student’s life, and yet, the student still, went off on his own in the end.  Sometimes, you do all you can, and the results, just isn’t, what you expected, or what you wanted it to be, but, why can you do?  All you can do, is all that you can, for those whom you come across in this life, nothing more.