As We Started Discussing the Matter of Life & Death

Words of exchange between a father and his son, on the matter of death, and its, meanings, translated…

(2015.10.9)

Summer: why do we smack the egg to break, and the yolk dripped out?

Me:…………

Summer: Why do we smack and kill the flies on the windows of the hospital?

Me:………………

Summer: Why does she mix in the pills, and the rat poisons, and rub it on the fish?

Me:………………

Summer: what is, the meaning of, capturing…all………of………this?

As the “Zinnia Flower”, directed by Lin was in theatres, I went with Summer to see it.  Before we left, I’d checked the ratings, PG-13.  With my company, Summer would be allowed in.  Before the movie started, I’d, told him of what this movie is about, how it may involve the matter of life and death, and missing someone who’d died, along with, the death, of our, loved ones.

I had my worries, that the matter of death, is it, too mature, for Summer, who’s just, turned, eight?  Compared to sex and love, I seemed to become, more, hesitant on discussing the matter with him.  Why that hesitation, it’s, something I need to, dig deeper to find out.  I’d recalled, that it was before this, in the daily goings on, I’d started, discussing the matters of, death, more formally with Summer.

Back then, Summer still couldn’t understand the meanings of it, nor known how to deal with the loss of a loved one, just like how we’d, discussed the matters of getting older, falling ill, and dying, he seemed to understand it, but not known, how the emotions relating to the matter might get, entangled.  Until he’d, witnessed someone whom he loved, died, he’d, finally understood the messages of those who died, give to the living.  But that’s, another story.

From when Summer could communicate, toward this matter of life, I’d not dodge the subject, I couldn’t, just, continued, holding conversations with him on it.  Those who are living, will always, keep on, talking of those who’d gone.  This law, no matter in the realms of, science, of medicine, of spiritual, religions, it’s, all the same.  Toward this, at age eight then, he, with me, in my forties, “The Zinnia Flower” became, heavy on, both our minds, and hearts.

In the process of watching the movie, there are a few segments that Summer couldn’t understand, and he’d, whispered his doubts into my ears.  I think, these scenes, perhaps, they’d, symbolized death, and must’ve, affected Summer too then.  As Summer inquired the “meaning” of why this film was made, even if he’d not known how to define “meaning” yet, as a novice father, I’d, felt, surprised.  As those we loved died, the messages we received from the footages, secretly, stowed away into, Summer’s mind of the movie.

In that darkened theatre, I’d not responded to him, discussed, nor explained to Summer.  After the movie was over, on our drive home, I’d, started discussing his questions of the movie with him.  I’d explained to him what I remembered, but the topics revolved around sex, love, and my aging father.  To me, sex is, life, love is, being able to hold a conversation with someone well, back then I’d, talked of my aging father, because, being elderly, is, close to death as you can get.  By the time we got home, it was already late, Summer climbed into bed, and I, kissed him on the cheeks as I usually would.

I do hope he grows up at a slower rate.  Grow a bit slower, then, we won’t, age as fast.  I’d, believed this, with that sense of, naïve in me.

After two days of, saturating it, I’d wanted to say, that the movie Summer and I went to watch, was about memories.  Not really, a description of mourning for those we’d lost, the sorrows.  In the process of watching the movie, I’d, groomed through the storyline.  The storyline got, sorted through to very smoothly.  And the fluidity, there’s that gentle kindness of the editing of the film, these second-hands like life, slid through Summer and me.

That very evening, I’d not cried.  But two days later, I’d found slowly, what that “The Zinnia Flower” gave to me was this: one day, I will, leave Summer first.  Before that day comes, can I be, ready, that I will, leave him, forever?  Can Summer feel at ease, and let me go, gently?  This is, the course of life which required mastering, for those who remained.  But, will we be, prepared for that?  All of these questions, on that rainy morn, like that fog that slowly, sank onto the city, translucent.  I’m not really sure, but, the assortments of goodbyes, all needed to be, learned.  On the matter of death, and saying goodbye to those we love, Summer and I, I think, we both, need, more words of exchange on.

And so, this is the father’s trying to open up the conversation about death to his own young son, because the son was still quite young, couldn’t quite grasp yet the meanings of death, and so, the father didn’t really know how to go about, talking with him, and the movie served as the “threshold guardian” of the journey to discovering the meanings of life and of death for this young man.