The signs that points to the onset of dementia, or, just simply, forgetting, because, we’re, growing, older now, translated…
From Before, H’s Forgetfulness Had, Gotten to Me, Later, as I’d, Had Several Forgetful Moments, I’d, Felt, a Bit Embarrassed, and Can Only, Console with Myself—that it’ll Be, Interesting, to Reminisce Over These Moments………
The Distance Between Remembering and Forgetting Getting Wider & Wider
I’d sworn that I won’t complain about H’s forgetfulness, and yet, as he’d forgotten things, I’d, started, shifting my gazes, looked out the windows, lifting my head up high, to the blue skies, and yet, those clouds seemed, a bit, familiar at times, and, is it, the destiny of this world, to repeat the moments in time too?
H started forgetting, early than I had, as we held our casual conversations, and, accidentally, we’d, talked of something ancient, seeing the flock of pigeons flying overhead, we’d, ranted on the memories that they carried, at the Winter Solstice, and January 15th of the Lunar calendar year, we’d, talked of the sticky rice balls, at the Mid-Autumn Festivals, the pomelos, and, on Christmas, we’d, talked of how we should be, celebrating the day that the constitution was, written instead……………as the stream by the side of the roads rolled on, H started, yapping incessantly about the old times, I’d recalled as he ranted on and on, I’d noted how he was, repeating himself, but I’d felt that it wasn’t, proper for me, to interject and to interrupt him. The topics were set, like those weeds and flowers I’d bumped into on my regular walks, and, shortly thereafter, these became, signs. I’d lifted my head to the skies, saw the swallows, the bats flying by, the carp that swam in water, the egrets, standing solitary in the water, the clouds closing in toward each other, then, separating………the days we’d, trekked by the same routes, the shadows on the grounds, exactly, the same, yet, day after day, we’d, circled, returned, to the starting point again.
illustration from UDN.com
My husband’s memories and forgetfulness started engaging in that tug-of-war, the waves started, drifting, farther, farther from the shorelines. Challenges are, everywhere in life now, the test of memories, constantly, ongoing. I’d known the films by their titles, but H had to, watch the movies until the final scenes, to know what the films we were watching was called, it’d made me wondered, what’s, wrong with him? I’d thought, although my white hair started growing in a long time ago, but my memories are still, very much, intact.
Don’t know when, the arguments, the questionings of one another started, taking over our daily interactions, the black and white pieces on the chess boards, had their, separate ways, and, when one color is winning, the other can only, raise that white flag in surrender.
When did we go to eat for your birthday last year? When did we start using the air-conditioning? How many years had we lived here?
“What, you can’t remember?”
“Why would I want to remember these, smallest matters?”
There’s only, battlefields in our lives together now, and, the only way we feel achieved, is when we, kill off the enemies.
The moon changed shapes, the leaves, they fell, a sparrow hopped up front, with another, following closely behind Look at how they’d, pecked up the grains from the ground, spit it out, fed the foods to each other, then started, pecking at one another…………
The white and the black pieces of the game stayed in midair, that aging accordion lost its, sound, the memories, started, receding like the quicksand, I’d wanted to, offer H a hand, but I’d found, that we were, both, getting swallowed in fast. I’d contemplated on how H always, forgot to turn off the lights, and, I’d, walked upstairs, and, the lights, are on, as I’d, started mumbling, then, I’d, recalled, hey, I was the one who was, up here before. The years, the memories, we can’t, boast our own egos on them. How come H drops things all over the floors, then, in the next moment, something had, slipped out of my hand! As I’d told him to stop nagging, it was because I’d, forgotten what he was, telling me, and so, I can, ask him to start from the very beginning again! From before, I felt bothered by H’s forgetfulness, and, it’d, happened to me since too, and, I’d, felt embarrassed, and, can only make fun—it’s interesting, to recall.
On a Seesaw, of Comparisons of How Forgetful We Both Become
As the two of us shared that quilt, we’d, pulled on it a long time, and after awhile, we’d, gotten used to sharing. “Growing old together” meant, sharing the duplicate of memories, and, wait until nothing can, surprise either of us, then, we’d, reached, that sort of, an equilibrium in our relationship. Ahhh! This familiarity gives me that peace of mind, life became like a seesaw, sometimes, I’m up, with H settled in his routines; sometimes, he was the one, worked up, and I, the one, who’s, full of, confidence, and calm.
H admitted, that he’d bought the soy milk two days ago, but forgot to take it off the car, and can only, pour it out the following day. And I’d, hidden the fact of not remembering to lock up our doors, how I’d not put the alcohol into the sesame oil chicken soup, how I’d, forgotten the detergent for the laundry loads, how I’d, tossed that lemon in, to the juicer, without peeling off the skins first……………opening the fridge, but forgetting, what I wanted to take out, where was I again?
Life has its, ups and downs, and we never know which one of us would, slip up. That time, H inquired out of the blue, “Did you refrigerate the mangoes from yesterday?”
“Mangoes” I was, stumped—I didn’t see it! Could it be, he’d, forgotten, to take it home after check out, or, he never, bought them? I’d felt that chill down my spine………… “Did I?”, my questioning made H confused too, the two of us, looked very worried, and, we’d, weighed in on our own fragile minds, as well as, becoming, defensive against, one another—there are the holes here, and, who’ll, sink this time? I prayed that H had bought the mangoes, he just, couldn’t remember where he’d, left them at………we’d, looked at each other and smiled, rushed to check everywhere, but, fearing what we might find. I’d, rummaged through the fridge, and surely enough, the two mangoes are, accounted for, the two of us, let out a shared, sigh of relief, that quicksand had, stopped, for now.
I can no longer gloat about how H is becoming more and more forgetful, sometimes, I’d, consoled with him. As I’d watched the movies and entered into the elevators, I’d encountered a couple, talking of the movie they watched just last week.
The wife pointed to the poster on the wall, “that was what we watched last week!”
“What was it about?” the husband looked, confused.
The wife reminded him patiently, as the man tried to think back. At this time, the elevator door opened, an the husband was about to, walk out, the wife stopped him, “not yet, we are parked, on the fourth level underground!”
As we drove up that ramp to exit the parking lot, I’d told H of my encounter in the elevator, and consoled him, that his forgetfulness, isn’t that big a deal. H lifted the corners of his lips up, “oh”, as we drove up the slopes, the car started, sliding backwards—I’d started, screaming on the inside, I really feared, that as H’s right foot that’s on the brake, might step hard down on the gas instead, and, heaven only knows, where we’ll, land together then!
And so, these, are the signs you are, worried about, and yet, it may be, a part, of your, normal aging process, or it might not be, because as we age, we are, prone, to forget the things that we did, or what we ate for breakfast this morning, and, it’s really hard, on those around us, if we are, constantly, forgetting the things that we encounter through our every day lives together.
And forgetfulness, may be a sign of the onset of dementia too, that’s, something you may need to, worry about as well………
Life, the Obstacle Course 