How a man showed that he’d wanted to work on the marriage, that’s made his wife share that same goal, of FIXING up the marriage too! A success story, in the sense, that they were both, willing, to work on their marriage together, despite all that’s happened between them, translated…
I’d, steeped up more tea, wrapped inside my blanket, started, flipping through the channels on the television, because I can’t stand those broadcasting that rouses up my emotions, so, I’d, surfed the channels, rather quickly. In the end, I’d found a channel on house redecorating, I saw a couple, that weren’t looking around for a home, buying a property, as they’d moved in, their nightmares began. Leaks of the pipes, the furniture soaked up in water, the electric wires caught fire. This couple kept, fixing all the problems that surfaced, they looked, defeated, beaten, and fearful, they’d, spent up, all the money they had already, and, they’d, just about, had enough of this old house, of everything that can, and had, possibly go and gone wrong since they’d, moved in. In the end, they’d found, a contractor, he’d told them, “The problem for you is, the wires, the pipes of this house, are completely, messed up, the walls seemed fine, but, there are, problems going on hidden inside. I strongly recommend you tear your house apart, and rewire all the wirings, or, you might want to, see this property, to begin again. You can either, fix EVERYTHING that’s wrong with this house all at once, or, just, TOSS this house to someone else’s hand, let it be their, hot potato”. The wife’s expression became grim, she’d taken too much care and concern, on the paints of the house, besides, the beautiful memories of her and her families are all over the walls, she couldn’t accept that underneath all of these beautiful things, lies the danger that the home might present. I’d understood, just how she’d felt.
She said, “I’d, had enough, let’s move away, and start anew again, let us go find a brand new house then.”
But this time, her husband fell silent, but, “how do we know, that the next property we find won’t have problems? At least, we know what’s wrong with this one. We just need to, tear up the walls, and see the problems hidden inside. We can start over again, have the experts to help us fix it up this time, we can, change it, to make it, ours. I think we should stay.” He’d, looked over at his wife, and she looked, so very, fatigued.
I’d asked myself, if Craig and I were like that house, if there’s trouble with our pipes, what do we do? I know I couldn’t, stay in this marriage, watching the perfectly painted walls, and pretend there’s, NO problem hidden underneath it, but if I leave, would I be, taking along that bad pipe with me? If I should, tear my walls down, rewire everything, then what? Didn’t Craig go into counseling, for just that? To set his own pipes up right again? I don’t know. I really don’t know, if Craig will be able to, reset his wires right, but I’d thought, if I don’t fix my own pipes, no matter where I moved into, it would be, pointless, I’d, burn it all up. I sat there, on the beach, watching the tides recede, and understood, that I’d been, hanging up that painting on my walls, hoping the problems underneath will just, go away.
a marriage, on the verge, of breaking…
“We can begin again”, that husband once said, “We can tear the walls down first, fix it up from the inside”, he’d needed to, take steps back first, then move forward. I thought about just how stubbornly, I’d, turned his offer down, how insistent I was, believing, that progressing is moving forward, keep changing. But, what if, it meant, that I’d, needed to, take steps backwards first? What if, progression signified, that I’d, needed to, be back where I once was?
I don’t know how to fix my own marriage, just knew, that I’d, needed to, tear open my own walls, to deal with the problem underneath the surface leaks. I can’t save my marriage, but I surely can, save myself first, I can, do this, for my children, along with all the relationships I have. I can do this first, then, I’d known, that no matter what I’d decided for the future, whether to leave Craig, to get back together with him again, I’d known, that I’d, allowed the strongest me to make that decision.
Craig messed everything up, but he’d, stayed, and fought, weathered through his own pains, mine, as well as the children’s too, and refused to allow anyone to scare him off, he’d chosen the path of a warrior—that is why he’s there, still, living, in HIS own life. He’d become, his own hero, he’s his own hero, and I, am mine, and now, we’re, together. Two heroes, this isn’t, two halves becoming whole, but two wholes, partnering up. This is, very attractive.
illustration from the papers online…
My memory took me back to our wedding day. I saw myself, walking towards Craig. He was there, standing next to the preacher. Although he was, smiling, but I can tell, he was, scared, he wasn’t, ready yet. Are we, ready, for the horrible gifts that life has in store for us? I saw what stood at the other end of the aisle, everything I hated: uncertainty, fragile, dishonest, unhealthy. But he’s also, everything that I love: full of hope, and brave. He’s scared, but he’d, still, showed up. He’s a man, but I’d, hoped that he wasn’t, just a man.
I hoped him to be perfect, precious, steady and stable, simple and strong, so I can, become chaotic, complex, and fragile. But, we’re, all made of all of these things. “I need to know, if you can, really know me, and still, love me.” He’d told me in the marriage counselor’s office. I’d recalled my parents sitting on the couch, they’d felt betrayed, feeling fearful, tired, told me, “Do you, really love us, Glennon?” yes, yes I do. You’re the one I love, until my heart ached. I’d also come, to understand how you can love someone so dear, and hurt them, over, over, over, and over again.
I know you can love and betray the same person. If I keep on walking down this path, will I be, marching toward the right man? Toward someone who can heal me in the process, as well as himself too? Toward, my self?
I’d walked to the end of the aisle now, Craig held my hand tightly. He’d known how chaotic I’d felt, but he’d still, married me. And I him, because I still believed him to be perfect. And so, who’s, the braver one? In my eye, I watched, as we held each other’s hands. I’d felt, ever so gentle now. This was, the very first time in a very long time I’d felt, gentle. Gentleness, with respect as one, it’d, felt like, love.
I’d drifted too far from perfection because of my marriage, and felt the shames, the angers. But, the definition of perfection is merely: allowing things to work as they were meant to work. If the designs of a marriage, is to help two people grow, then, using our own broken ways, our marriage is, perfect.
And so, this, is this woman’s growth, her coming of age, her realizing her own tendencies, in her own marriage. She’d hit some rough times with her husband, and, wanted to quit, but, her husband refused, he’d kept, working on their marriage, to FIX their relationships, and, this still just showed, that marriage needs a LOT of work, and unless you’re, willing to commit to put the time, the energies, into fixing up an old, broken down house (metaphor of a marriage), then, you shouldn’t, get into it.