How this woman took the initiative to change, and her husband, followed her footsteps, and everything got better for them both, translated…
She’d once thought, that being a good wife, a good mother, and a good daughter-in-law, was a guarantee of her marital bliss, and so, she’d, buried her own feelings deep down, done ALL she could, to comply to the demands of her in-law’s family, but she’d become, more and more estranged from her husband, and lost the respect of her children, as well as, her own happiness.
And, when she’d, worked up the courage, to sent in her “resignation” of her being a daughter-in-law, the miracles, they’d, started, happening………….
Every time I’d felt that I want to tell others how I feel, I’d always, gotten that sense of fear rising inside. From the very start, my husband had the enormous supports from my in-laws, and I had, nothing, all I had was, me.
As I’d turned in my resignation for being a daughter-in-law, no matter how difficult, the decision rights were, left to me. From the moment I’d moved out of my in-laws’ home, to recently, seeing my children off to live on their own, everything I had, to deal with on my own. And so, I’d, had to, take sole responsibility for everything too.
I’m so fearful, for “being responsible for me”. In my dreams, there would be men with power, rushing toward me like water, they’d all, thrown rocks at me, or, run toward me with baseball bats, or clubs in their hands, there were men, with even MORE fearsome weapons towards me. After I’d started, making my own voice heard, before I’d, rid myself, of all the roles I had to taken up, I’d, been stoned, repeatedly, “the mom…” “Because you’re a daughter-in-law…” “Women should…” “you’re, too selfish…” “too greedy”………
Those weapons directed toward me, didn’t want to back off at all, they’d grown, stronger, and stronger yet. And because of how my fears grew and grew, I’d realized, that if I don’t put my life out on the line, I couldn’t, do a single thing.
That only with the will that I was to die, can I, keep on, surviving. I’d, remembered these words, and, courage grew from me.
What was incredible was, each and every time, I’d, thrown all caution to the wind, I’d, survived.
I’d thought about divorcing my husband, because I felt that he’d grown up, in such a patriarchal family, there’s, no way, for me, to GET him to change his ways. No matter what I’d thought, how I’d done, I couldn’t, see any hope. And so I thought, rather than putting in more time, to try to adjust myself to his ways, I ought to, end this relationship for once, and for all, that way, I can, start anew in my own life. And so, as my husband said he wasn’t willing to divorce, but would be, willing to change, I’d not believed him at first. And, as I’d told him, that I must get divorced from him, and he was willing, to comply with all the changes he’d promised to make, I’d still, felt doubt in him.
Six years ago, we’d, moved downstairs to my in-laws, I’d signed the lease. This became, my biggest support, because one of the rules in my proposal to my husband had that if in these two years, he’d have to, let me have the deposit for the apartment. And, my name goes on the lease, so, I didn’t need his agreement to do what I want to with the place. Back when I’d saved up half a million dollars N.T., I’d felt, that it wouldn’t be a problem, living on my own, and, if I could, get this money he’d promised, that would be, even better.
We’d agreed upon a one-year marriage counseling, my husband went into therapy with me for two whole years. Although, he was forced to go, but, other than the issues we had in our marriage, he’d, slowly, resolved the troubles he had from work too. From alternative angles, counseling actually, helped him a lot. About a year later, we were, on parallel standing, slowly, felt that we’d, opened up, and started, connecting with one another.
The conversation exercises we’d done in therapy, when it was just the two of us, we’d, continued practicing. My husband not only started listening to me well in therapy, he’d started doing that regularly too. From my sorrows, my pains, to my unhappy childhood, he’d, listened to me, and empathized with me. The more he’d listened to me, the more he was able to, empathize and understand why I’d behaved, and felt a certain way about certain matters. As we’d gone to counseling, we’d started having our week dates. On those, we’d gone to the movies, to hike, to the concerts…………after we’d gone to a movie and a meal, we’d, also continued sharing our times reading, holding conversations together. All of these things we couldn’t do back when we were still young and newlyweds, we’re now doing, as our hairs are, turning white.
I’d told my husband, that after he retired, he will have his “husband-off year” too. Not long thereafter, he’d retired from the company he’d worked for for twenty-five years. Afterwards, he’d still felt uneasy, the second year, he’d, started, getting anxious, by the third, he’d finally, started, relaxing, and enjoying his life after his retirement.
And so, this, is how these two people who were, on the verge of divorce, started getting along better together, they’d, given each other the space, and the husband wanted to save their marriage, and, they’d gone to counseling, because they had a lot to learn about one another, and how they became who they were, and, after they were both, willing to change, to adjust themselves to one another, everything started, getting better, and so, this couple didn’t end up divorced at all.