The Dances of Puppets…

On a man’s reexperiencing the traumas of his childhood sexual assault by his nanny and her family, from a blog in Chinese, translated by me…

The “Dances of Puppets” is a performance in creation, about how someone had, brainwashed the performers with the dances, turning them into mindless puppets, with the puppeteers, in complete control of their behaviors.  While the ones being puppeted, is completely, unconscious, without anybody else knowing.  Only, that one day, the strings attached to the puppets will break, and the puppets turned back to, lifeless, inanimate object again.

As I’d read up on the scripts when I was younger, I’d felt it was, odd.  After all, how can the human will be controlled so easily.  Last night, I’d had a dream of he puppets, and, I’d come to understand, what sort of human characteristic the script was trying to, portray.  As the puppets are tightened under the control of the puppeteers, the puppeteers wanted to wind up the puppets too tightly, the tighter the puppets get winded up, the shorter their lives would be.  Until one day came a “SNAP”, the puppet had, given up on its, own life.

like this???  Photo from online…

The puppets’ and the puppeteers’ lives are, tightly, intertwined.  As the puppeteer tried to manipulate the shells more, they’d needed to put more energy and life into the puppets.  And yet, are these, puppets really, unconscious, without a mind, of their own?  Or are there, some unseen wills, fighting hard, to defy destiny that we’re, not aware of?  Until one day came that “SNAP!”, the string finally broke, the puppets finally, gained their freedoms, but, were all, detached from the strings, they’re, all dead now!

How do we know, if the puppet, at the time of the snapping of her/his strings, is s/he happy, or sad?  Perhaps, it’s, only a matter of time, that being trapped in this sort of a mode of interaction, the puppet is eventually, going to, detach from the strings.  I’d always felt like I was a puppet, without the tightened up controls.  I’d fought hard with destiny, but destiny had, pulled, strung my awkward poses along, toward my own ultimate destruction.  I fight on a daily basis, those who’d, raped me from before, I’d fought hard, sleeping next to my rapists.  Fought the strong sense of loneliness, and fears, but I couldn’t, block out the love.  Jimmy’s love had, pushed me toward life, gave me a stronger purpose for my own life.  But he was a dog, a tool, that my nanny tried to “buy” me with, to manipulate me with, but, despite that, I’d, loved him so.

Breaking free, and you will BLEED! sketch from online…

When did that invisible string tied to my body snap?  I believe it was, when Jimmy died.  I thought everybody I loved would never die, after all, the love I’d received from him was, so eternal.  I still felt him close to me, right here, by my side, jumping up and down, inside of my heart.  And so, as everybody told me that he’d died, I’d believed, that they were, all lying to me.  Just like how all around me, the adults kept lying about the fact I was, sexually abused by my nanny and her families.

I’d never wanted this lie to be true so badly.  Let him appear, let him appear.  From an unexpected corner, or, in my dreams, just, rush out, and play with me.  We will embrace, with him, licking my face, I’ll feel his softened golden fur.  But with the weeks, turning into months, that never happened.  I’d heard something deep inside snapped.  I’m, so very tired, I’d never, felt this fatigued before in my life.  Like all hopes had, left me behind, the blackhole that’s, before me felt so very real now, took me over.  Raped, indifference, deciphering who’s good or who’s bad, no longer necessary, as everything became, meaningless to me. 

And perhaps, it was, right then, that I’d become, a puppet that can no longer be winded up.  I’d become, lethargic, no longer recalled what’s good, what’s bad to me.  It didn’t, matter anymore.  I just, lived from day to day, confused, and everything that they’d told me, seemed real, and yet, it didn’t.  Every time as the bits and pieces came back to me, I’d become, like that puppet detached from its strings again.  I couldn’t, feel the weightiness of life that I was, supposed to be attached to, at the other end anymore.

Destiny had, half dragged me, to my current age right now.  And most of the time, I was, floating, half way up in the air, couldn’t find anything steady to grab a hold onto.  A puppet in the wind, a broken puppet.  Four years ago, when the memories of my childhood sexual assault came back up, Jimmy had, once more, returned, back to my dreams.  In my dreams, I was able to, hold him tightly, I woke up crying.  The strings were, reattached, although I have, no clue, what was, on the other end of it.

“Do as you’re told!”sketch from online…

Are the dances of the puppets, the dances of life too?  In this, cruel cold world, our lives were, connected, our fates became, entangled.  In being misunderstood, we’d, tortured ourselves, each other, lived in pain.  What is, the freedom, I’d, longed for so long for?  I wanted, to be understood, understanding, just how, small we all are.  But fate had, connected us too tightly together, we are sharing, our experiences of life and destiny together now.

And so, this man is still slowly recovering from his own sexual abuse of the younger years, and, he’s only, starting to, break free from his childhood experiences, and that, is usually, the hardest part of healing, to admit to ourselves, that we were, damaged, abused, raped, sexually molested, by someone we’d trusted as children, and after we know this, we still need to slowly come to the senses of how none of it was our faults, that we had, NO control over what happened to us when we were too young to fight back, but we’re all adults now (because of all the SHITS we weathered through in our lives???), and we are able to, stand up, and protect that young child who was, “damaged”, injured so seriously inside of each of us, and protect them, be the parents that we needed but never had the opportunities of having when we were younger!