Relationship with his own father, after he’d become, elderly, they’d found, that intimacy back again! Translated…
Back when I was young, I’d always used my father’s staomch as a pillow, lying on top of him, and, enjoying that wind from the fans, watching T.V. very leisurely………this, was the rare moments of intimacy I’d shared with my father, that I’d recalled, after, thinking really hard, fishing, in the lake of childhood memories.
As I grew, I was like most traditional Taiwanese males, rarely had any intimate bodily contacts with my own father. The next time I’d, hugged my father, it was, a very odd scene.
A little over five years ago, my father’s diabetes exacerbated, he’d started needing dialysis. He’d worried of becoming my burden, and would take the bus to the nearby Wangfang Hospital for the procedures, but after his dialysis, he’d become, weakened, and I’d, ridden my scooter to pick him up. Once as he got on the back, his weakened body started wobbling, it’d felt, that he’d, lost the center of his weight, and was about to, fall off my scooter at any moment in time, he’d moved his arms from my shoulders, and put them around my waist, he’d, hugged onto me very, tightly, like how an infant worried of abandonment by the parents.
At that very moment, I’d, felt the connection between our two lives, slowly, occurring, on that still-running, but old scooter. At first, I’d, feared that sort of a codependency, because I wasn’t anywhere ready to cope with the fact that my father was, growing older, from barely being able to take care of his three meals, to needing someone to lean onto as he headed down the steps, the total time it took, for him, to deteriorate wasn’t short, I knew, that his health status won’t be reversed, but I was, unwilling, to face up to it, I’m actually, very afraid, not just about my father’s ailing conditions, but my own creation, and the paces of my own life, will it get delayed, because of my father’s, deteriorations, I couldn’t imagine my wonderful years of youth, being stalled, in spending time in the medicinal fumed hospital and my father’s room, filled with the aromas of old people, yes, I am, too selfish, deep down inside.
About three years, maybe, my father’s sight deteriorated, and for the sake of safety concerns, the family decided to send him into assisted living, although, there came, a pretty high extra expense to place him there, but, he’d had better care, we believed it to be, worth it. And the nursing home was looked at by my mother, and my sisters, and in the process of this family meeting, I’d not said an extra word, perhaps, I was, afraid of having the reputation of the son who’d, abandoned his own father, so I’d, allowed the members of my family to bring it up, so I can, not feel as guilty, perhaps, they knew, that I’d, done my best, these past few years, working busily in the theatres, and taking care of him too.
I didn’t grow up in a family with wonderful, gentle, and kind parents, I’m sure, that I’m just like a lot of people, feeling that ambiguity when it came to, taking care of our fathers, that sort of an uneven giving, we’d become, unwilling. I’d never taken myself as a fitting son, but, these years, I’d given enough, so I have, a cleared conscience.
Up until I married and have my own children, I’d recalled the saying, “As you hold your own young, you will get reminded of the love of your own parents.” The giving between the parents and children, can never be, evened out, and, there’s, no need, to keep track of how much we’d given, how much, we’d, taken, and all of that came from, the weakness, of our souls, if we all have a faith in life, it would make things, a whole lot easier, to understand the ambiguities we’d carried through our lives.
I read on a book, a Swedish idiom, “Do love me, while I’m, least worthy of your love, because that is, when I needed it the most.”, maybe, we don’t need to fear our parents’ getting older, I’m sure, that in the process of accompanying them as they aged, it will, enrich and make our souls, grow stronger by the days.
And so, this, is what one man came to, as he’d, become the primary caretaker of his own aging father, and, his father didn’t put enough time in his childhood years, to connect with him, to establish that strong bond with him, which was why he was, at first, a bit, unwilling, to shoulder the responsibilities of caretaking, but he’d, changed his mind, after all, it was, his own father, and he had done all he could, to provide for him and his family, and, with that thought, he’d, started, taking care of his father more willingly.