The Gap Between the Father & Son

The general problems of fathers and sons, stemmed from how men are, socialized, and this father was, willing to change his ways, more or less, translated…

For a Father’s Day Special, I had the hard-to-come-by opportunity, to interview pairs of fathers and sons in depth.  As a daughter myself, I’d written on the subject a lot in my writings, but, the love of father and son, had that hidden distance to it.  The men in Taiwan, normally don’t “speak out” the love, and, I’d had to ask a question for an entire afternoon, and I’d only gotten, the chuckles from the fathers, and, the men I’d interviewed often gotten stuck on, “hmmmmmmmmmmm, how do I say this…”, and, if a mom is close by, then, she’d be the one, catching the ball.

The father-son pair, the Z’s, are the ones who’d become, the least stumped.  The father-son pair who were, willing to come to this event, are normally, very close to one another.  Z said, that a few years ago, there was, NO chance he was, ever going to interact with his own father like so, they couldn’t even stand to look at one another.  “In my coming of age, I’d, rebelled against my father endlessly.  I knew his expectations of me, and, as I tried to reach his expectations, I’d, battled on why I must, fulfill his expectations of me.  And, that sense of incongruity, had suppressed my feelings of life back then, and now, it’d, become this way I am able to, connect better with everybody else now.”  Z had, signed the DNR three times, and, the iceberg between him and his father melted, by his father’s sickbed.  Before death, people can, lay very low, and, hoped that they can, crawl through this hard-to-pass hurdle, no matter what.  After falling seriously ill, Z told that his father changed a lot.  And, it’d become, unimportant, which of their icebergs melted first.

Z’s father had this memory that imprinted.  Back then, Z was still in the elementary years, that was the first time he had a watch of his own.  One day, as his father sent him off to school, Z walked off, and, farther off, his father saw him lifted up his wrist, then, ran toward the school, and he watched his son’s backpack, jumped up and down on his back.  The way he’d lifted his wrist to see the watch, was like an adult.  As Z’s father told, that seriousness melted away from his face, and, Z who was fixing his attire seemed to feel something too, and, made a face through the mirrors at us, I’d started chuckling too.  Not long thereafter, Z’s dad stopped smiling, his eyes became, droopy.  “In our generation, we had to, fight for our successes, we’d needed to, work very, very, very hard.  So, I’d expected to find all the chances I’d lost, in him, forced him to pass every hurdle, being the eldest son, it surely, wasn’t easy for him.”  As his dad told me this, Z was, discussing the photo of him and his dad with the photographer, and didn’t hear his dad.

After a whole day, that was the very first time I’d felt, that the expectations that Taiwanese men carried, way exceeded the expectations that were, upon the girls’ shoulders.  The dads carried it all on their shoulders, raised up a whole family, and believed, that boys are to, keep that going.  Those businesses, built, from the ground up by the previous generations, they couldn’t just, give it to someone else to run, and expected (or coaxed, or forced) their sons to take over.  Men like Z had, fought with their families of origins since they were growing up, like they’d taken their umbilical cords, busted outward, and didn’t want to, sever off the cords, to allow the blood to spill out, to make a mess.  From before, the words that the kids wanted to say, all fermented inside of them, and after they’re out, they’d not been, taken seriously on, and so, they’d, not told them aloud.  And, because they can say it, the ones asking the questions, stopped asking the questions altogether, and, the gap between the father and the son, was pushed open by these two forces, and it grew, and grew, and grew.  But, having a close call with death, it’d, broken that invisible barrier.  They’d, steadied themselves, found their set places, and, decided, to walk together.

I’d asked Z’s dad, what he’d wanted to say to his son the most?  He’d thought for a while, and, lowered his voice, “Tell him, it’s fine right now, it’s, really good right now”.  I’d felt this soreness in my eyes then, like I’d, received his affirmation myself too.

And this, is still due to how men are, socialized, that, is why there are so many problems that are currently happening between fathers and sons, because, the fathers always wanted their sons to be better off than they are, and, in making this happen, the fathers usually, overlooked the fact, that their sons may have, other dreams, that they may want to pursue, which are, equally, if not more, important than their expectations of their own young.