Talking about the final rites, the funeral plans, with one’s own elderly, this is, nothing easy that’s for sure, and it takes, a little time, to get the elders to open up in discussing with the younger generations about what they wanted, translated…
My father had a second stroke, and, everybody knew deep down—at the age of almost eighty-six, he’d not had that much time left!
Snack time, there was, nothing but harmony that flowed throughout the house, mom asked dad lightly, ‘While you’re still lucid, do you have any plans for your funeral?”, anybody who heard, knew she’s talking about planning out his funeral.
Dad, who was enjoying his cake gladly, suddenly put up his smiles, refused to say another word. Mom pressed him on, ‘While the kids are all here, tell them, if you don’t, how will they set up your final affairs for you?”, seeing how dad remained silence, I’d, diverted the subject of discussion, “there’s fruits later!”, my younger sister chimed in, “The sun’s nice today, let’s go for a stroll in the courtyard in a bit!”
A couple of days later, it was, another amicable snack time, my dad finally opened up his lips, and thanked my mother, “Thanks, honey, it’d been trying on you in this life!” Seeing how shocked my mother was, I’d, realized that I shouldn’t, let the opportunity pass, I’d told them something fun that’s happened at the office, to lighten up the mood, then, I’d, turned the discussion, “My coworker said, that after she died, she’d wanted her kids to throw her ashes, straight into the oceans to feed the fish, saves the time, and it also, adds to the oceans. Her daughter barked back, said that renting a boat would cost money, it won’t be cheap, that she may get thrown into jail for doing it, because this is against the law, disposing of the body at random.”
“So, if you die, you can’t, dispose of your body anyway you wished to?”, seeing how my mother got her funny bones tickled, I’d added, “After I die, I don’t want all the ritualistic things, the simpler the better, just bury my ashes with the trees, I can live with that.” Then I’d asked her, “Mom, how would you prefer to handle your death?”, she’d told me she’s open to getting her ashes spread around the trees as well, and that it’s best, that after all the funeral processions are completed, then, we need to notify our aunts and uncles. I’d smiled, “Then, you must tell them before hand, that it wasn’t us, who’d not let them know, but it was, your way, otherwise, we would, totally, get grilled.” I’d asked my younger sister immediately, she’d answered right away, “the simpler the better, let’s have a trifecta, I’ll have my ashes spread around a tree too.”
Only dad, who’d, sat out of the discussions, I’d pretended to be relaxed, and asked him, “Dad, how about you?”, I’d brought up the topic, and, watched his face carefully, “How about we give you a simple procession like the former president, Ma’s father? Or, would you like it to be filled with a ton of noises, like uncle’s?”, as my father heard the words, “filled with a ton of noises”, he’d, looked, a bit, more relaxed, I’d, repeated to him, just to make sure, “like uncle’s, would that be okay?”, my father, finally, gave the nod.
Afterwards, I’d talked about this with his physician, and that was when I’d understood, that my father knew he’d been ill a long time, and that he feared death, which was why he’d, refused, to talk about handling of his final affairs. Later on, I’d known, that my friend, didn’t dare to ask her ninety-three-year-old elderly father-in-law as well, and, I’d suggested her to do as I’d done, but, it should be best, if the question came, from one’s own daughter!
And so, although this, is a difficult subject to discuss with your elderly loved ones about, it must, be done, because the elders should have a say, in HOW their deaths ought to be done, after all, it is, a legacy they will be, leaving behind for their young to remember, and, this person used some techniques, to discuss this tabooed matter with her father, and, that, is what’s needed sometimes, a little guiding, a little, leading, for the elders to open up…