Losing something you loved so dearly, it’s never easy, especially when it’d been there for you, helping you through your toughest times, translated…
I’d Still, Worked Hard, to Adjust to that Quietness Because You’re Not Here, Although the Silence Felt, Lonely………
The Major Illnesses We’d Both, Weathered Through Together, You & I
This is, an all too ordinary morn, the sunlight came into the kitchen, rousing up the dusts, making them into, a golden fog. I’d recalled, how you’d, always loved lying underneath the dining tables, facing the kitchen, with the sunlight, shining, INTO your eyes I’d, closed up the windows out of habit, as the vet told me the UV rays weren’t good for your cataracts. The coffee pot’s, gurgling now, the aroma filled up the entire house. I’m making breakfast, and out of habit, I’d, made the extra bacon, in case you try to eat my portions. I’d smiled and turned my head toward the under side of the dining room table, said, “hey young one, a piece of bacon for you…”, I thought I’d, see your excited, expectant gaze, but, you’re, not there. Ahh, yes, you are now, an angel already, it surely wasn’t easy, to alter my own habits which I’d kept for the past fifteen years, but I’d still, tried hard, to adapt, to the quietness from you, not being there, although the silence became, a sort of, a loneliness that I feel.
Since you’d been gone, I’d eaten my breakfasts all alone, taken these walks on my own, and, all of those, familiar sights, had your footprints, covering them. Before the Seven Ladies’ Temple, was the wrestling ring for the furry kids, and, the dogs started, horse-playing, then, they got into, real fights; a group of dogs, biting on one another, becoming a huge ball of fur, right there, in the middle of the roads, jamming up the traffic, as you’d, passed by, you looked at the fights the dogs started, then, at the jammed up traffic, being as big as you were, you’d, growled loudly, then, run up to the dogs that were, fighting, they were, so scared they ran away in a hurry. And immediately, the congested traffic became, free flowing, and, the drivers all gave you the thumbs up, and everybody noted you as “Mr. Brother”, ever since, your name passed, through the realms of the dogs in the neighborhood, you walked, with that flair! That was, your proudest moments when you were, in the prime of your life.
But slowly, you’d, lost your stride, it’d become, harder, and harder for you to walk, you’d, panted more and more, your originally black coat now became, frosted with the whites, your once so shiny, bright eyes, misty, we’d, passed through several of our illnesses together, and you were able to, get through it miraculously each and every time. I thought all our trials were, over, and we’re able to, head into the end, so peacefully, like this, then, I’d become, the one to see you off, with no regrets, and, bury you, someplace beautiful.
It’s just, that life doesn’t always, go as we planned.
I’d Feared, that We Will, Hate One Another, from How Much We’d Loved, Each Other from Before
That last mile of your life, was trekked, with extreme hardship. You were already, an demented, elderly dog, lost your ability to control your bodily functions, you’d started, howling day and night, on your potty pad. The vet told me, that your cries were, unmeaningful, that your mind’s in chaos. I’d become, too tried, too fatigued, don’t know how long since it’d been, since I had a good night’s rest; I’d, put up with my aching knee for kneeling down toward you, to change your potty pad time, and time again, and begged you not to cry aloud so fiercely, that even if I can take it, the neighbors couldn’t! You’d fallen silent, for a few second’s time suddenly, looked at me, sorrowfully. In that moment, I’d feared, that our love will become, too trying, and we will end up, hating one another for it then; no matter how deeply we were attached to one another from before, there’s, no way either one of us can put up with this long-term psychological torture, and if we keep going like this, we will end up both, damaged, beyond repair.
And finally, with the help from the veterinarian, you’d, fallen asleep for good, I’d, fulfilled my promise, buried you some place beautiful and green, and asked you, to remember the way I looked, my voice, as well as my scent too, so you can, identify me later on in heaven.
Since you’d been gone, every time the wind blows or when I rained, I’d gotten, reminded of you, and asked you, “my child, the weather’s changing, are you all right?” You’d never answered me, only once, a very long time ago, on my drafting pages, I saw my own “So long as you’re fine, I’ll be all right too!”, or maybe, you’d, answered me like so? Then, things happened at home, and I’d used that braveness you’d, shown me with your body, learned to be brave, to fly through my storms, to walk toward the light of the sun.
The cherry blossoms bloom again, it’s, as if I see you, running through the woods, with an occasional cherry blossom that fell onto your head, a rough big round black dog, with a cherry blossom on your head, such an odd look, yet, very cute at the same time! So, you’d never, really left me, you had, existed, in an alternative form to me. My eyes turned a bit wetter, my nose felt a bit sour, with that bitterness down my throat, that sweetness, inside my heart.
And so, losing something you loved so dearly, especially when the animal had weathered through the storms by your side, became your sole emotional support, that was, never easy, and yet, your pet still passed away, and now, you’re, slowly, adjusting to life without him………it’s hard, but, you’re, coping with the loss each and every day, and, as the day passes, you’ll find, that you’d, missed him, a little less each and every day, until one day, when you think of him, you’re only reminded of the love the two of you had shared, and no loss!