The Wilderness

Being trapped by his childhood sexual assaults of people he knew, slowly, overcoming the traumas, step, by step, from a website in Chinese, translated, by me…

I have, in my possession, an ancient volume of encyclopedia, with many new pages, on the old sheets of papers.

I’d, flipped to a page at random, and on it, I saw how I’d, written out my name, describing how my parents had, raised me, with a line in fine print underneath, how others said I was, mistaken. As I’d kept flipping through the pages, enthusiastically, telling myself, to flip back to that page before.

like this???  Photo from online…

And yet, as I’d, tried to find that page I’d flipped to at random, I couldn’t, find it again. Instead, I’d flipped to the pages, with my story on it. Saw a ton of images of myself, felt like my life was, underneath the light, and it’d made me feel, quite, relieved, that nobody will ever, judge me again.

And, as I’d, wanted to, return back to the pages with my own story on them, I can’t, find it again. There were, the images in this volume, that made me, stop reading altogether. It was, the wilderness, with many adolescents and children in it, bleeding from their pubic areas. There were, older people there too, but they looked, like monsters, demanded that the children take care of them, and they’d not needed to, take care of the children.

As I’d flipped through the volume, I’d, contemplated, how will the children, ever run from that wilderness? And, where will they, find food in the wild? After the book vanished, I, woke up too.

not my artwork…

There was, that strong sense of sorrows that followed my awakening, I knew why I’d dreamed such a dream. The older and newer volumes of the encyclopedia, represented my psyche. I’d worried about how the adults were, treating the children, which was what compelled me, to write down the words, which caused me, to receive, all the criticisms. And, as I was, getting ready, to argue my side of the story, I’d, leapt, into my own childhood.

There was, a misunderstanding about my life, I was, raped, and sexually, assaulted, from before, but my parents, they don’t see me, and they’d, written a book of lies, about how happy we are, as a family. And, as everybody else was, lying, the truth became, a revolution. I’d felt, quite relieved, that my life’s story was, told, onto the pages of, the encyclopedia.

Then, I saw, the tragedies, of children being, assaulted, clear, like the illustrations of a book. I’m recently working on an illustrated book, about a child who was, sexually assaulted, I’d wanted to lead her into my heart. It was, sort of tragic, and, you’ll feel, more the misery, as you get deeper, into the tale, closer, to the truth.

I’d recalled, how when I was younger, how I’d, made the plans, to escape this wilderness, to run away from my home. But, what’s, out there, outside of the wilderness? Will there be, another wilderness, that’s, waiting for me there? That was, what I couldn’t have known, as a young child.

I had, made my escape, out of the wilderness now, but, there are still, so many children, who are, being, trapped there, what can I do?

It had, taken this man, close to thirty years (I’m thinkin’), to finally get to where he is, he’d become, a survivor of childhood sexual assault, from his state of mind and being as a victim, and he had, suffered, at the hands of the adults whom he’d, trusted, suffered, because his parents called him a liar, for telling the truth about what happened at his nanny’s, because they’re, reputable.

And now that the nightmares stopped, visiting him, he’d now, started worrying, about others just like him, who were, also trapped inside the past, had suffered, at the hands of, their adult counterparts.

This is, truly, something hard to deal with, but now, he’s a grown man, and can do something about it, he can, tell the stories of his life, and, people won’t, judge him, call him a liar, or maybe they still would, but he no longer, HOW they perceived him, because he KNEW what he’d, weathered through in his early years, and that, is what counts the most!