Practice “Having”…

On finally, being comfortable with oneself, accepting everything that’s, happened to oneself, loving oneself, wholeheartedly, translated…

Awhile ago, after I was invited to a talk show in China, I’d written an article called, “The Smaller Frames of Thought”, stating that I’d wasted my life away, on the unimportant matters, and I can, only, accomplish the minor things in life. A friend who’d accompanied me quietly as I’d started creating these past few years suddenly send the message of “Don’t be afraid, to own it.”

Since I was a child, being the youngest, there would always be my three older siblings who’d, handled things for me, which had helped make me into this, spoiled kid, and often, when I’d wanted something, I MUST have it, immediately. My pops is easy, I can’t play coy, and get things my way with him, but my mother, not so much. And every time I’d wanted something, and not received it immediately, and started throwing my tantrums, she’d scolded, “Whatever you want, and we’re supposed to what? Stop all we’re doing, and give it to you? Does the whole world revolve around you?”, and her words (as well as a few of her spankings), they’d, taken up root in me. I have a very hyperpolarized personality, either that I go all the way, or, if I can’t have it, then, I want NOTHING of it.

I’d started, keeping my desires in check, especially with the coming of age, I’d needed and wanted, less and less. I’d gone shopping for my clothes twice, once in summer, once in winter, and, black and comfort were the fitting; other than buying books regularly, I’d not had any, expenses spent, on entertainment, and, foods, I’d, done what’s convenient too. Then slowly, I’d, become this person, who’d not, fought for anything that I’d needed or wanted: as the benefits that should’ve been mine got taken by someone else, so what; if someone hurt me, I’d just, chatted it off with my best friend, and let it be over; if I’d not gotten paid what I’d been promised, I’d count up the amount, and it wasn’t that far off, so, I’d, let it go; and, I can only keep the people I fell for inside my heart, and save them for one day. My friend told me, you’d become, more and more like a religious person now, with nothing you need, nothing you want. But, I’m thinking, that it was, that curse that’s, backfired in my childhood, the “I don’t want it anymore”, turning into, “I’m not fitting to have anything”, a sort of, a self-hypnosis.

A few years back, I’d, gotten into the spiritual realm, and, in the debates of “having, or “existing”, I’d allowed, “existing” to define me—although that was an even more unreal concept than having. The several larger scale severing off with the attachments I’d formed, with books, my clothes, my household things, even the friends on my contact list on my messenger, all those, intertwined interactions, I’d, sorted through them one by one, tried to, strip myself of the concept of “having” altogether, to return myself to just “existing”. And yet, a few years later, what I’d let go of, came back, what I’d severed, reattached, breaking up, getting back together, and the only thing that remained, was that vague belief of “existing”. And, this vagueness in the beliefs means that I’m following the crowd blindly.

“This, is just how I am, weak”, I’d told myself from time to time. But, all of these had, mixed up the traumas of my childhood years, my inferiority complex, the negative imprints on my life growing up, along with my half-assed beliefs, it’s, truly very difficult, to trace to the roots of ALL my problems. And yet, my friend’s “don’t be afraid to just let yourself have it” had, pulled me back, toward that starting point where my thoughts started disengaging, no need to argue, no need to avoid contact.

I’d read my previous published piece on here again, seeing the message from the online community, “Because we’re all stubborn on our own stubbornness, so, the world is full of surprises; the world is so enormous, every thing unique has its own place.” I’d allowed my fears to persist, and so, I’d, found another ideal, to destroy that fear, and the end results, the same, it’d, caused me a lot more headaches. Although, there are a lot of time we’d made all those, decisions, but my experiences tell me, that choosing A doesn’t mean that I’d, given up on B, that B has a life of its own, and perhaps, one day in the future, B will meet up with me, or maybe, this option I’d not gone with, will turn into a nutrient of sorts in my life somehow. Sometimes, the dyadic way of thought is, the greatest sources of one’s fears.

“You need to practice, allowing yourself to have it.”, my friend summed up. In these words, I’d, suddenly understood, a brand new meaning of “having”—hugs. Admitting that I was, unique, even IF it’s the smaller frames of thoughts that I may have, embrace it; because of embracing, we are opening our lives and selves up to the vast possibilities, because of embracing, we’d learned to accept, and be comfortable, with where we currently are.

And this, is how someone finally comes full circle in his life, in accepting everything about himself, no longer asking WHY I’m like this, or why did this happen to me, because he’d, gone through that VICIOUS cycle previously already, and he’s now, more at ease with himself, being how he is, living HIS life his way!