Living life, for her mom, and her self now, translated…
Gone to visit mom that day, I’d opened that door with her urn inside, stared at her gentle and kind looks, then, the past came back to me. Twenty-five years, come and gone already, did she leave us, this long already?
As the only daughter in a family of four children, I’d tagged along her. And we’d gone to the same high school too, she was in the Japanese department, I, the Chinese, we were, alumni across the generations, we’d shared, that common platform of memories of our younger years. Everything in my life, finding that first job, my first love, getting married, having children, she was, all there; we’d always have a ton to talk about, we are, mother and daughter, but also, more like, sisters too.
As my mother died, I was heading into my forties, the pains of losing her made me feel pain whenever I’d, thought about her, and, as the sun set, I’d become like this young child who can’t find her way home, felt so alone and worried, couldn’t sleep at all, I can’t be what forties mean to people, “without any doubts”. That sense of loss had never, faded away, year after year I’d gone back to visit her, and I’d still felt the excruciating pain. How come everybody else has a mom, and I don’t anymore?
After mom left, I’d subconsciously gone to Dihua Street, where we’d gone often to, and had our favorites, seafood stew, and bout the red bean filled wheel pastries, sat outside by the local temple, watching the people go to and fro. And, as I’d eaten and looked, I’d, turned my head around, saw my husband, and not my mom, I was, overwhelmed with the sentiments of missing her again, and so, I can only, bite down one more mouthful of the pastries, and, chewed on it hard, then, swallowed that down.
Awhile ago, my youngest aunt called me, I’d only said “hello!”, and she’d exclaimed, “Wow, you sounded just like your mom!”, recently, as my younger brother was on vacation, from his work in Japan, the moment he’d walked in, he’d hollered, “Sis, I thought I just saw mom!”, perhaps, it’s because how mom still lives in my heart, every time life gets me down, I’d think of how mom would handle things, and, followed her way of kindness and gentle forgiving natures, then, the difficulties would, resolve on their own.
Now, I’d changed my heart for missing her into actions, living my life to its fullest, and be an intelligent and well-rounded woman like she’d spoken about, I’d lived her life for her now, I’m sure, that mom would, love seeing me like this too.
So, this is a great way to honor the memories of someone you’d loved and lost, by living your life to its fullest, by grieving for her as you needed to, and you will move on slowly, as losing a family member, that’s never easy, especially when you’d been, so close to the person.