Other than Being a Mom, I’d Wanted to be Myself

Finding and having the personal spaces you need as a single parent, that’s, something that’s, NEXT to impossible! Translated…

As I was penning this article, I’d asked the editor, “The final one, is there something specific you wanted me to tell my readers?”, she’d said, “this can be a sort of a trackback over the year’s trials and tribulations of you as a single mother?” I’d recalled one I’d written, “Making of a Home for Us Two”. I’d taken it back out reread it, and, turns out, things had, completely, changed, we’re no longer getting on that peacefully as always now; these past few months, Mimi Chou had become more easily angered, complained on how bored she was, and, would get angry if in the adult gatherings, she couldn’t find a place to join into our adult conversations, or started making a scene toward the end of the seminars or lectures I was giving.

the idealistic, not my comic…

I’d understood she’s putting up with things. And, as the events blew over, we’d both calmed back down, and she’d always apologized to me first, and, I’d promised her, “After I’m done with this, we’ll play together.”

Actually, I had always, made good on all these, promises, but sometimes, the promises were fulfilled, much, much later, instead of immediately, and it would make her do things she regretted. For instance, just last weekend, my friend offered to look after Mimi while I give my lectures, to take her to pick some strawberries, but she’d told me she “wanted to be around mom more”, it’s just, that as my lecture ended, she thought of how fun the strawberry fields would be, plus she was fatigued, and started throwing a tantrum.

and this, is the reality…not my photo…

The ideal condition was, mom wouldn’t need to sacrifice for the child; can understand the pros and cons of the various decisions, then, make the choice that’ll, benefit both of us. But the reality is usually, because you’re dealing with a live person, the individual has emotions, and is allowed to change her/his mind, and can make the choices out of what you’d expected, and may have an overt dependency on you, she too; the adults’ hopes of making a “rational decision” usually got into a tug-of-war with reality, and, in the pressing of reality, we can only, do what “we’re supposed to” in being chased down by time.

And, what comes accompanying that was usually, that sense of desperation. How can I help improve our economy? How can I work, so I can finish everything on time? How can I make it that my child feels more cared for? And what I’d not been willing to give up on: how can I, keep some of my self intact?

this, is, the best we can do, not my photo…

“Keeping my self intact”, it’s something I’m desperately in need of, this sense of self, is truly, difficult to achieve, in single-parent families, with the strong dependencies. What I’d understood was, Mimi Chou wasn’t at all, unaware of how she’s coming into being, separated from me, she’s slowly, marching toward separating from the strong attachment she’d had with me, and yet, still needed to face to the facts, of how she’s not quite, accepting to the goings-on of her own life too. Especially on how “Mom isn’t just mine”, for instance, when mom’s giving a lecture, having a conversation with her friends, of focused on hearing someone else talk.

And all of it, is all a part of, “keeping what I can of me”, something I wouldn’t, give up. From before I’d read a belief, that when you are in conflict with the roles you played, “Choose the one you’re least good at”. I can’t do it. Because the beliefs behind this is, “people needing you”, and you’d, still needed to fulfill the demands that others may have, placed on you. At which time, I’d heard that cry from within, “Who’s going to tailor to my needs?”

This is not saying that Mimi Chou was being stubborn. On the contrary, she’d worked really hard, to understand the difficulties of the world that mom’s playing that game of tug-of-war in, that was why I’m, struggling, instead of fulfilling every single one of her demands of me. Like the lovers who are, too different, the motives behind working to better the relationship was from the love, instead of having that consensus between the individuals, and the conflicts came from, ‘What I need, is to give myself some space, but the space that Mimi Chou needed, was to tag along closely behind my back”.

I’d often thought, this was the most basically of all challenges in selecting to be in these intimate relationships of a single mother; and, no matter how hard or trying, I’d needed to, master this, everything else, I’m willing, to sacrifice, only “losing parts of me that I’d wanted to keep”, is something I won’t negotiate on. And life, moves on in these moments of conflicted pains, and naturally, there are still, the happier times we’d, come to share, and I’d hoped, that Mimi Chou will one day, using her own ways, to soar high too.

And so, this, is the struggles of single parents, you’d wanted to have your “me” time, from time to time, but, more often than not, your children are demanding too much attention from you, and you’d felt, that you needed to be alone, but you can’t, because you are taking care of a child, and it’s, such a difficult thing to, balance perfectly too.