Finding an effective way, to teach your young kids about death, excerpts from a book, from the papers, translated…
Goldfish & Heaven
Chase’s small goldfish, Jacob died, it’s the very first time, that death had, visited this small family. These past few years, our family had several goldfishes. Every time one dies, we’d always gotten another one. But, Jacob wasn’t the same as the rest. He swam in a tank inside Chase’s room, he’d lived on, for two years. Although he didn’t know how many hands had touched him, and he’d been starved too, but he’d still, survived. He’d always opened his eyes wide, and swum to and fro, like a dog that keeps the grounds. We all believed him to be intelligent, and full of responsibility. I’d recalled how once I’d talked with my kids, how I’d admitted how I’d still loved their dad a little more than Jacob. In the end, my kids started fighting, and I can only, take back what I’d just said, that I’d loved dad, as much as I do Jacob, that Jacob was, a member of the family too.
After I’d realized that Jacob’s dead, I’d decided to immediately relay the news to my children, to lessen the shock of them discovering it on their own. Back then, the three of them were playing in the living room. My husband, Clay and I sat down next to them, I’d told them, “Children, I need to tell you a very awful news.” As they’d heard that, their three small frames froze suddenly, turned their little head to me. I’d not used an easy way to let them down, instead, I’d, said in a grieving tone of voice, quietly, “Jacob died this morning.”
Dishi immediately started sobbing. I’d picked her up from the floors, she’d buried her head into my hair, curled into me. Chase immediately covered his mouth with his hands, but I’d still saw the corners of his lips twitched, then he’d asked me, if he could go in, and see Jacob. I’d placed Dishi on Craig’s legs, Emma was with concerns, stumbled to the front of Dishi, patted her older sister’s curled up body, then, patted her on the forehead, and then, started crying too, at this time, Dishi went from gently sobbing, to howling. I’d exchanged a look with Craig, then, I’d followed Chase upstairs to see Jacob. Chase entered into his room, like a warrior, he’d, walked up to the tank. As he watched Jacob’s lifeless body, and found, that his bright red skin had become gray. He’d asked me why, but, without giving me time to reply, he’d covered his eyes with his small hands, and the tears overflowed from between his fingers. His shoulders trembled, then, he’d, found his way into my arms.
Actually, I’d wanted to comfort Chase very much, told him it was okay, that although Jacob had left us, we can still have another fish, an even bigger one, or a school of fish too. But I’d not told him that. Because this was, the very first time, he’d encountered death in his life, I’d wanted him to understand the meaning of death. And I’d wanted to teach him not to evade his own pains. He needs to know, that death meant the end of a life, we should grieve for him. And so, I’d sat with him on his bed, held tightly to each other. As Chase cried and trembled, he’d told me, “I’m not crying for only Jacob’s sake, mom. Everything we love, will eventually die, how do we face it, mom?”, before giving me time to answer, he’d continued, “I know you’d tell me they’ll all go up to heaven, mom, but how do you know for sure? You don’t know that. I don’t know if I can, believe you either.”
He’d asked me, a very good question, but I couldn’t, manage a good answer for him. I can only reply, yes, I believe that heaven does exist, but, I don’t know if it’s like we all imagined. And when he’d asked me why I believe it, I’d replied, because I need to, or, I will always believe, that those I loved and died are lost for good, and get swallowed by the fears, and the sorrows, and, there would be no more joys, or hope in my life, and my heart will die. I’d told him, I believe, because I have NO other choice but to believe, if I believe, that the soul is mortal, then, I will, die right now, if I don’t believe in the next life, then, I can’t get past this lifetime, I’d become panicky and scared, and became lost. And, as he’d asked me what heaven was like, I’d replied, in heaven, everybody will help and love one another.
Then he’d asked me, “Why, mom, does God place us here to know this sort of pain? Why would he let us lose something we love so dearly?” I’d replied, the reason why we love someone, or an animal was not because we will hold on to them forever, but because this sort of a love can change ourselves, to make us better, we’d learned from them, what love is, that, is why we’re all here, God sent us here, to learn to love each other, to learn how it is to be loved by others, that way, as we all enter into heaven, we will then, know how to love and care for each other. After I’d explained, Chase had, stopped crying, stared deep into my eyes, “Hmmmm, what you say is reasonable, I believe you now.”
Couple of minutes later, Dishi entered into Chase’s room, still red in the eyes from crying, her lips still trembling. She sat on the bed too, between me and Chase, Craig and Emma entered too, lay on the floor. At this time, Dishi said lightly, “I want Jacob to come back to life again”. Chase heard her and lifted his head, looked at Dishi, said to her, with tears still in his eyes, “He won’t come back, but he will go to heaven. So, you don’t need to feel sad for him, Dishi.” After he’d said that, he’d, stopped crying. Sometimes, the best way of offering comfort to oneself is by comforting someone who’s feeling even more vulnerable.
Chase finally opened up that first door to hope for us. That very first place who was overcome with sadness and sorrow, is usually the first, to get out of despair, and walk towards hope.
So, in this, the mother taught her son to accept a fact of life, DEATH, and helped her son grieve for the loss of his beloved goldfish, and, because the mother allowed the son to cry for his loss in his pet goldfish, that, was why the child was able to recover so soon, and able to help his younger siblings to grieve too.