Love & Hurt

Problems that “stemmed” from her family of origin, and now, she’d actively decided, to NOT pass it down!  Translated…

From reading the article “Even Though I Love Her” from last month, I felt connected to the writer, as I too, have a secret that I’d, kept.  My father had quit his job a while ago, because he didn’t get along with his superior, and my mother who originally worked at a firm, quitted her job, and my parents started a fast-food shop.

My father is in control of money in my household, he’s traditional, authoritarian, and my mother’s voice often got, silenced, the two of them started arguing endlessly before and after they’d opened up the shop, it’d even gotten to the point when divorce was mentioned, and, at this time, the temperature at my house dropped to below freezing.

Because my mother didn’t have a voice in front of my father, she’d often expressed her angers to me when he’s not home.  Working in the restaurant business is hard enough, plus they have communication problems, and, more negative feelings were accumulated inside of her; I do understand the pressures my mother’s been under, but, I’d become the recipient of her long-term negative emotions, I’d felt like a trash can, and there’s just, too much negativity built up inside of me, I felt I may blow up at any time.

There was a period of time, I’d felt depressed due to this, and I’d, evaded contact with my mother at all possible costs, although I knew, that my mother needed to talk to people, to get everything negative outside of her, but I just, couldn’t, handle it, I can no longer, suppress my thoughts of, running away, to escape.  I’d felt very ashamed of myself for this, felt, that I couldn’t, help my parents, they’d worked hard for us all, and all I needed to do, is to listen to some complaints, why is it so difficult for me?  And yet, once, as I’d gladly told my mother about earning my scholarship, my mother’s complaints had frozen my joys stiff, until that minute, I’d finally understood, that the emotional kind of abuse is sometimes, harder than the physical kind to take.

People who are poor can live happily, but, those who are rich are bitter, and couldn’t know the meaning of happiness in life, this is all a matter of attitudes.  I do love my mother, truly hoped, that she could, get herself out of the negativity cycles, but I couldn’t help her, and so, I can, only, distance myself from her; until now, I’m on my own, and can make the wages, to pay my parents back, I’d slowly, gotten, myself out of this shapeless, endless cycle, and slowly, I’d walked out, of blaming myself for the problems in my own parents’ marriage.

Family, in the name of love, I’d worked hard, to digest ALL of my mother’s negativities, thought it was fulfilling my filial piety duties, but now, as I’d become old enough, I’d realized, that it wasn’t, because after the complaints, the  problems are still, there; we can change our own thoughts, but we shouldn’t push our own pressures onto someone else, it’ll only impact the children more—when I have my own family, I’d made sure of this, and toward my loved ones’ complaints of their hardships, other than being their listener, I’d also, accompanied close by, to help them come up with solutions.

And now, I’d written all of these out, it seemed, that I’d, emptied out the trash I’d carried with me for years, I’d felt much better now.  Time and distance will wash away the pains of our memories, but, everybody should have some senses of emotional management, to not make our love for one another into another shapeless, formless type of abuse.

So, this is this woman’s REFUSING to pass how she’d interacted with her own mother down to her own children, and this takes a TON of self-awareness, self-knowledge, and introspection is a must, and, because she grew up like this, she knows how hard it was, getting STUCK between her parents, hopefully, she really won’t pass the same things down to her own young.