A common mistake, of ALL parents??? Translated…
I’d gotten a ton of feedback from last week’s “Sense of Security & Sense of Reality”. A friend whom I know for many years felt, that in this current world, raising our children with the beliefs of “we no longer needed to worry about money” is quite dangerous; she believed, that the sense of security should be built upon “Knowing how hard money comes by” and “the purpose of school is to have the basic viable skills to live off of”.
I’d suddenly understood, why mom never wanted to make me feel like I don’t have enough; for the areas in learning, she’d never held any of this sorts of practical goals or expectations; on the contrary, “the excellent daughter’s grades”, became the most rewards that a woman who’d sacrificed her family has.
On my master’s project, “My Mother’s Life” interview, I’d asked her to recall her schooling career, she’d smiled and told, that in order to lessen the strains of economics that my grandparents were faced with, raising six kids, although she did excellent in school, she’d agreed to my grandfather’s beliefs of going to teacher’s college, but she’d turned the subject instantly, “of course I’d still regretted it, especially three years later, all of the students who’d made worse grades than I had all entered into university, and I’d started, teaching.”
That was the only time, and the very first too, I’d ever heard her, talked about the dreams she had, for herself, every other time, no matter how you inquired, her replies were almost identical along the lines of “so long as you and your younger brother do well, and our family get along well.”
My mother gave up her dreams of going to college because of economics, and for the sake of her heart toward her parents, and her siblings, she’d never mentioned any regrets ever. And, as I’d heard my friend told about the beliefs of learning, I seemed, to understand my mom a little better: she’d, hidden the household economics away from us, perhaps, from her own unfulfilled dreams that, drove her to do so: “my children don’t need to worry about not having enough money for school, they don’t need to sacrifice, or compromise, in the realms of schooling.”
So “helping children have the basic skills to make a living of” is nowhere NEAR her list of important things, especially with my grades in class, it must’ve, made her feel a whole lot better; the two kids, she’d acted like a tiger mom toward just me. During that interview, she’d told me, “Actually, I’d thought back, and wondered, if I was, too tough on you from when you were younger, but, no matter how I asked you, you can, always, perform up to my asking, and so, I’d, gotten into the habits, of demanding more, and more from you. And, because you’d, done excellently all the way, so, no matter how hard life got, we’ll always be, your backup.” Looking back, I’d felt thrilled for both mom and me; as I became an adult, I did, carry that sense of reality in the realms of economics, and, mom’s regrets, may have been, made up by me too, but after all, I’m, not her still. Since when I was younger, we’d gotten entangled in the strong emotional bonds, and me feeling, that no matter how good I am, I’m just, not good enough. After I had Mimi Chou, I’d often joked with her, on how I’d, raised my daughter, the EXACTLY opposite as she had, raised me.
I don’t want my child to pursue perfection so endlessly like I had been, but, isn’t that the same thing on how mom expected of me too? It’s just, that she’d not wanted her daughter, to “be faced with enormous amounts of economic pressures”. And, as I wrote to here, I’d found, that I’m still, stuck in the vicious cycle of, demanding perfection from Mimi Chou!
Whether it’s on the economical, or emotional senses, we all wanted to give our kids what we lacked in our younger years; but, the blind spot may be, we may, overmagnify that “good thing” that we never got the chance of having in our own childhood years.
So, this is probably, the BIGGEST BLIND spot in childrearing, because we lacked something (value, material, etc., etc., etc.) when we were growing up, and, as we become parents, we’d, ASSumed (still makes all of YOU ASSholes, because I’m NOT among these people here!) that what we lacked, was what our children needed from us, and so, we just provided them with whatever it was that we didn’t have enough of as children, and, that’s just wrong, because, how would you know, that what you lacked, IS exactly what your kids need? Did you even ask them: hey child, am I providing you with what you needed in life growing up? Of course N-O-T, because as parents, we (speaking in general terms here) have the tendency, to believe, that we are smarter, and know more than our own young, but, do we? Not necessarily!