“Don’t Touch Me!”

On hugging, the expressions of love with our bodily contact, translated…

The Reason Why They’re Angry, is Actually Due to How Defeated They’d Felt, of How Helpless They Feel, of Their Situations………

Those people who are hardest to love, usually, need the most love~~Dan Millman

“Don’t touch me!”, the child who’d kept her silent, screamed a high-pitched scream.

“Stay away from me!  Can’t you understand Chinese?”, that eye that looked fierce, it’d made the mother who was only trying to find out how her daughter was doing draw back, with that look on her face, turned toward me.

After a few seconds of time, I’d had to, disregard the awkwardness in the air, I’d gotten up, patted the mother on her shoulders, “I’ll accompany him.”

Waited until there were, just the two of us in the room, I’d carried that mindset of, “I’m not trying to resolve anything”, got back into my seat, and, intentionally, sank my body into my seat, and told this kid who’s still in the heat of anger, “Do rest a bit, don’t get too worked up!”

Perhaps, I’m, one of those with bad tempers myself, I’d understood “these sorts of individuals don’t need to be tolerated, but to be understood”.  And so, after we’d, rested for about a minute’s time, I’d found a few simple questions to ask him like, “Had you had your lunch yet?”  “When did you go to bed last night?”, and, the conversation had, begun, without the child knowing.  And, not long thereafter, the child started, pouring his heart out to me.

As we’d finished our sessions, I’d intentionally, patted this kid on the back, and, tried to show that I’d, “understood what he’d been going through lately”.  Although, he’d still reacted, timidly, not replied back to me, but, the distances between the two of us, felt, shortened by quite a bit.

The Problem May Lie in the Lacking of Oxytocin

The psychologist, Harlow took the newborn Rhesus monkeys away from their mothers, then, designed for the baby monkeys, two “surrogate moms”: one made with steel wire, “the wire mom”, with the formulas coming from it; the other, with the surrogate mother, made from softer materials, the “velvety mom”.  This well-known experiment found, that as the baby monkeys were hungry, they’d, gone to the “wire mom”, and, the rest of the time, they’d, hung onto the “velvety mom”.  From this, we can conclude, that the feelings of comfort from the tactile sense, is so very important, to a living organism!  So, those cases that screamed aloud, “Don’t touch me!”, they’d still, needed the cares and concerns from others.  What made them angry, was actually was, how helpless they felt, of changing their conditions, they’d felt, defeated.  Because they felt hurt, so, they’re, currently, in a state, of unable to trust anyone.  

here’s the video of the study from Youtube…

The well-known writer, Simon Sinek in his book, “The Four primary chemicals that made us happy (E.D.S.O.) mentioned, “oxytocin can bring that feeling of security, and trust, making people feel loved……and, hugging, as well as other forms of bodily contact, can increase the productions of oxytocin in the body”.  From this, it’s, easy to deduct, that children who were hugged often by their adult counterparts, will have a higher level of security, and would be, more able and willing to, venture out to make discoveries of the world.  And, on the other end, the children who experiences long-term defeat as they asked for love, their bodies would have this protective mechanism, shutting down, for the sake, of protecting themselves.

It’s just, keeping that safe distance from others, this seemingly, protected the individual, but at the same times, it’d, deprived the individuals from the chances of bodily contact, and after periods of time, it’d caused the individual to feel insecure about the world, and having difficulties, establishing trust with others.

Hug Therapy

Back then, as I read about Harlow’s study, I’d told my mother, “maybe it was because I’d lived with my maternal grandmother growing up, so I wasn’t hugged enough by my parents, it’d caused………”, then the next day, my father told me, with that seriousness, “I can’t understand what you psych majors learned, but, back then, the times were, quite unstable, your grandfather never really hugged me either, so, I don’t know how to hug, and, look how well I’d turned out……..”

What’s interesting was, not long thereafter, as my mother was into taking some growth seminars, one day, she’d declared, that she’d needed to complete the homework assignment of “hugging my son”.  And, based off of the normal filial piety beliefs, I’d, naturally, complied, but, my body stiffened up, as she’d, wrapped her arms around me.

I’d not known, if feeling easily awkward in a group has anything to do with not being hugged enough times as I was growing up, I just knew, that in the populated places, “my body just, don’t feel comfortable”, it’d, continually, stressed me out.  This had, lasted until I graduated from my graduate studies, there was a period of time, when I’d gone, on schedule, with a group of foreign friends at a fast-food restaurant, “exchanging the language”, and, before we all said goodbye, they’d hugged each other, and, as a foreign friend opened up his arms towards me, I’d naturally, returned the hug back to him, at first, I’d felt, a bit, weird, but, I’d felt, bliss, from being able to hug someone.  And, with the number of hug encounters increasing, I’d slowly felt, that “something that was lacking in my past” was, slowly, healing up.

What was more magical was, two years ago, when I went to a family function, as we’re about to say goodbye, I’d had that thought of, “hug in the now” flash across my mind, and I’d worked up the courage, and hugged my parents, for “two seconds”, then, for a long time afterwards, the bliss from that oxytocin rushed inside our bodies.

Meeting Socrates in the Depth of the Night, in a Gas Station

Many years ago, I’d, paid a tribute to the writer of “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”, Dan Millman.  Reason why I worshipped the writer was because, through the writer’s character, a big boy, Dan”, having a conversation with the wise, “Socrates”, it’d made me realized, that “only through opening up my senses, making peace, with the multiple facets of myself, will I become, a warrior in life.”

Afterward, whenever I’d met a “screaming soul” in my office, I’d waited until the timing was right, and shared with them, the words from Dan Millman’s book, “Those who said hurtful words, are those who’d been hurt, and feared being hurt again.”  I’d also reminded them, “The next time you wanted to scream out, ‘Don’t touch me!’, can you try saying, ‘I want to be alone for a while, thank you.’?”

It’d become, clearer to me by the day, that everyone has the responsibilities of “know oneself well”, and after that, can try to help others understand, that “getting mad wasn’t my intention”.  And even IF the other person may not be receptive to that, at least, you’d, made peace with yourselves.

So, this, is an important lesson in psychology, but, because Asian people aren’t as open as people from the western worlds, that, is why, we normally, don’t get into hugging mode, besides, our grandparents never gotten into the habits of hugging our parents, so, how can we expect our parents to hug us regularly?  But, our generation can, change that, by starting to hug our own young, changing the way that love is expressed to them, because we never received the kind of love in the forms of expressions we needed!