On being a single parent, translated…
Some readers wrote me and asked: would your child ask for her father? Normally, when someone asks this, that means, that the person is facing such difficulties too. I’d thought, for long, and hard, this question.
There are a wide variety of situations in families, each one is different from the next, so, there’s, NO one right answer. I’m thinking, that as children ask us this question, we must, return, back to ourselves, asking ourselves, why we’d, chosen to become, single parents in the first place. Then, start from there, try to find a position that’s, best for our selves, as well as the children too.
This is naturally, an all too ideal, reasonable, thought that everybody wished to be true. Actually, as we contemplated on the forms of our families, we’d focused too much on how “being from a single-parent family has a bad rep”, and neglected to realize, that in the process of choosing to leave or to maintain a “complete family”, how it may, hurt every member of the family, in the wear and tear.
like this??? Not my photo…
Perhaps, we should, think about this issue from an alternative angle: the bad name given to single parent households came from how biased this society is, and individual biases, and if the members of the single-parent family household see this clearly, they can even, make something better out of this bias from the world.
We normally felt sorry for the children who never had the choices in choosing, but the adults who hurt one another emotionally, may also need others from outside of themselves, to see where these hurts came from; and, the adults would need more wisdom, to help the children understand that the adults were also, hurt in the process, instead of making the children into the scapegoats of their marriages.
This was why I’d chosen to become a single parent in the first place; the job trainings I’d received, made me see the root of society’s biases, and it’d given me the self-confidence to handle it well; economically, I can singlehandedly, support a family, then, why would I need to choose a form of family that may, hurt my offspring?
Because without the process of tearing, I can use my rationality, choosing, to see this relationship in a more positive manner; thanking my ex for the company, along with giving me my daughter, how everything started, with love. I’d, explained it to my child this way: “reason why we’re just the two of us was because I was once, very happy with someone, but as we became a family, we’d start arguing a lot, even, hurting one another; this way, the child would feel very fearful all the time, and so, that, was why I’d decided, that there’s only need for Mimi and mom in our home. He’d decided not to be with mom, has nothing to do with you, he doesn’t even know you, he’d made the choice of breaking up with me, because of mom, not because of you. So, I don’t want to find his again, because we no longer liked each other anymore, but if he’d wanted to come visit you, be your friend, then, I would agree as for when you’re older and want to get to know him, it’s your own choice.”
or this??? Still not my photo…
So, would Mimi Chou want to go find her father? Her answer is: “everybody has a dad, but doesn’t necessarily live with him, I’d rather want mommy, and make my own choice.”
So, by explaining why she’s a single mother to the society, as well as her own daughter, she’d taught her daughter to be rational, instead of emotional, and this woman made the choices in her life, because she’d realized, that the man who impregnated her with her daughter wasn’t the right man for her, and staying together, may only bring more harm to her young daughter, that, was why, she’d, chosen to be a single mother, and she’s also, very open about letting her daughter find her own father, it’s just, that her young daughter is happy where she is, and maybe, as she grows up, she may want to find her father, and by then, the mother would support the daughter’s decision to.