The conversation of a mother and the adult daughter, translated…
Before Age Eighteen, We Were Raised by Anxious Parents, Maybe Happy, or Traumatized; After Eighteen, We’d Worked Very Hard, to Not Turn into Another Embodiment of Anxiety.
The Counselor, Hsu Used a Passage in Her Exchange Journal with Her Young, to Help Us Realize the Sources of These Anxieties.
not my photograph…
Dearest En-En:
Back when mom was younger, I’d not touched my own heart, perhaps it’s because how busy life was, I’d not been given enough time to think, sometimes, living without our brains, for a certain stage in our lives, is the easiest way to manage.
But, as mom grows older, I can’t help but admit, that there are, so many blank pages of my life that I needed, to fill up on my own. I don’t want to feel nothing BUT regret, the moment my coffin closes, and leaving behind, nothing but regrets, for the two of you, older sister and younger brother.
En-En, you are, a fitting daughter based off of my perceptions and beliefs, but this “fitting” term is a very abstract term; it will get altered with the various moods, along with the goings-on all around me. For me, there’s, NO set way you need to behave yourself, in order to be a “good” daughter; and of course, it may be, that when I’m in a foul mood, I’d made you believed, that you weren’t, good enough a daughter. Or maybe, compared to your younger brother, I’d given you less attention, but that was because even if I turned my eyes away, I’d known, that you have the ability, to set your own life right.
You are the only one in the family, who set my heart at ease like I feel at ease with myself. I’d finally found, that I’d been treating you, like my Siamese twin, and replicated the same kind of life I’d had as a child on you. But, in this first half of my marriage, you’d become this constant source of comfort to me in my life.
Without you, my good daughter, I may not be a good wife, or a good mother.
En-En, it’d dawned on me, how big you’d grown. So, there are, more things that’s happened in our house, I believe, that you can understand now. I’m sure, that with your level of maturity, you can understand the stories of the past generations now.
You said that your dad is steady, the most emotional person in our house. Yes, I don’t deny that, at the start of our marriage, in order to adjust to his temperament, it’d cost me, a ton of tears. You said that as I fought with him, I had the habit of biting down my lips. Yes, I don’t deny that either, at first, it was, to keep myself stabilized, and, later, it’d become a way, to make your dad feel sorry. Your grandma only had your two uncles and me, and, your dad grew up in a family, with a total of ten children.
I don’t know if your generation can understand what it was, growing up in a large family? In the older days, the children usually die at a very young age, surviving through the earlier years is considered a blessing. Your dad was second-to-the-youngest child in his family, and during those times, the children aren’t too many years apart, and everybody took turns, having the mother’s love; it’s just, that your youngest aunt fell ill a lot, until your dad was born, she was still suckling, and so, your grandma had your aunt in one arm, your dad in the other, with your youngest uncle inside of her.
the good relationship of a mother and a daughter, photo from online…
Your youngest uncle was the exact replica of your dad in looks, you’d confused the two of them when you were younger. And that, was how your dad’s place in the family was, replaced. I’d heard your grandmother told, of how your dad had, wetted himself completely, and nobody came to change him, such a sad thing.
But, don’t blame grandma, she didn’t mean it, nor did she treat your dad so unfairly by intention. Shortly after your youngest uncle was born, your grandfather signed for someone’s loan, and, the person skipped out, and he was, jailed by the police; although he’d only spent a very short time in jail, but, he’d always kept his emotions bottled up inside, and shortly after his release from prison, he’d, died.
En-En, compared to how I’d felt angered by your dad’s emotions, I can empathize with his pain more. In his upbringing, not making loud cries won’t get him noticed, and, how your grandfather who’d never asked for anything more, with such an awful end. You’d asked me, if I knew all of this about him, then, how come I’d still, gotten into arguments with him? My relationship with your dad isn’t as you may perceive, or imagined to be. This, is a married couple, fighting, blaming each other, intertwined in one another’s lives for a lifetime, also, loving each other, for an entire lifetime.
This, is how my life worked, and the natures of my life too—like how I was born, destined, to be the helper of your grandmother, there are, the bitter, the painful moments, sure, there’s nothing to regret. Even as a good person, I’d still owned the happiness of being a good person.
AS for you, En-En, just go toward the direction that makes you happy, this, is the only blessing I can give to you.
Mom
So, this is a mother, explaining to her young, how she and her husband were raised, adding to the understanding of the child, of why they may from time to time, get angry at each other, and even as they got mad at one another, that still doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other anymore. And that, is especially important, to provide that sense of stability to the life of one’s own young.
Dearest Mom:
Such coincidence. As I was reading your diary, I’d thumbed across the papers of “On the Sense of Loneliness” by Klein, there was a passage that talked about how people “enjoyed” the experiences in their lives.
How, can we experience the “enjoyment” of life? Klein mentioned two key points. First, “being grateful”, because you’d felt it in your heart, then, there would be the feelings of paying it back, and so, feeling of gratitude became, the foundations of being generous. Then there’s, “giving in to one’s own destiny”, accepting our own experiences of joyous encounters in life, not focusing on the enjoyments which aren’t endowed to us, and not carried a huge grudge toward the defeats of one’s own life.
Turns out, those who showed gratitude, and followed the paths of one’s own destiny are the ones, who aren’t afraid of defeats, and those who can truly enjoy life.
Mom, I kept thinking, that you’d not lived happily, if by this definition, maybe, I have more abilities, to enjoy my own happiness compared to you.
Sunny just finished taking her final. You knew, that I’d worked hard regularly, and not had any time to care about her grades; during the week of her finals, I’d told her, to study more, to not turn on the T.V. before she finished her assignments. She’d looked so displeased, and she’s only in the third grade, she’d given me a soured face, for an entire week! At first, I’d held down my tempers and consoled with her, and, I’d gotten really very, annoyed by her attitude, and grilled her hard. But, as she’d started giving me a better face, I’d felt awful, worried, that she’d feigned her happiness, to please me………
I’d realized, that I couldn’t bear to see her unhappy, that I wanted her to feel happy. Yup, I’d already, worked, so hard, being an optimistic mother, how can she let me down, by not being happy? If she’s not happy, then, would all of my hard work be wasted?
All of these stemmed from my over-analyzing and my own anxieties, and actually, I’d, reflected the worries of the outside world.
Mom, I can’t help, but admit, that I get anxious too easily as well.
It’s just that when you’d told me, you are so proud of me, that anxiousness from the inside seemed to, temporarily, be, relieved; then, you’d stated, how it’s too abstract, to define a “good” daughter, that I’d needed not to be in one state of mind or being and stay constant, to be your “good” daughter, I’d felt so moved that tears were about to flow. This, must be the feelings of “gratitude”, I suppose? Mom, thanks.
It’s just, I have, yet to learn, to accept my own fate. And, even as Klein’s theory, as well as your words, moved me so, I’m still on the path, of discovering of how to “accept my own fate”.
I’m sure, that you will, accompany me on this path, won’t you?
So, you can see, how the mother and the daughter are, interacting, and, now they’re both older, as adults, they’d, gained a little much more understanding of how life worked, but there’s still, a very long way for both of them to go on this journey of life together.
Life, the Obstacle Course 