This, is DEAD serious, nothing to brush off, or cast aside as something MINOR, and yet, a lot of the victims and/their loved ones chose, to look the OTHER way! Translated…
On last week’s column, we talked about how the adults told their young, “If someone takes advantage of you, the adults would totally take care of you”, but, the truth isn’t necessarily so.
A friend of mine spent the New Years when she was younger at her relative’s house, in the middle of the nights, her older cousin barged into the bedroom, and touched her body inappropriately, and when she’d finally worked up the courage to tell her mother, that, was when she’d learned, that there were, multiple victims from her own family already. Her mother promised her, that she will deal with the matter, but, because her older cousin is mentally ill, they’d asked her to keep quiet about the matter, to not break her aunt’s heart. But, the adult never did anything at all, the older cousin’s parents, because of wanting to keep their reputations, refused to get him the help he needed. And once, as my friend has found that someone had sorted through her sanitary napkins and tampon packs, she’d gotten so furious, and this caused her to get grilled hard by her mother, as her aunt started crying.
It’d been thirty years since, as my friend told of this, she was, filled with anger, “My mother only cared about how the events made my aunt felt, and my aunt only cared about the matter of reputation, and, NOBODY gave a damn about me!” “If as the first victim spoke up, and the adults started paying heed, reminding one another, then, we may be able to, prevent further molestations.” “When something happened, telling the adults doesn’t do anything!”
Another friend of mine was raped by a distant relative who’d gone to her home for a short stay five years ago, at the start of this year, she’d finally worked up the courage, told her mother, the mother was shocked, asked her, “Why didn’t you fight back? Why didn’t you say no? If you’d told him NO, then, could this have been, avoided?”
During this time, the death of the female writer woke up her sorrows. Several days now, because she’d had her meltdowns, she’d called me up, but she’d used, a tone of voice so calm, it’d made me feel, that she was talking of something that’s not related to her at all.
“I can only keep my mother out of her fragile heart, to prevent her from hurting me again, and again.” “I’d been more than kind to everybody I know, how come, nobody treats me with the same kind of kindness?”
On this end of the phonelines, I can only, cry with her.
Another friend who had been raped, for multiple years by her own father, when she’d gotten into a serious fight with her mother back in high school, she’d, blurted this secret out, and, her mother slapped her across the face, and grilled her on her lying about it, that she should be ashamed of herself. Ever since, she’d locked herself in, worked hard to study, hoping, that she could go out of town for her university careers. She’d told me, “My relationship with them became, that I’d given them allowances every single month now.” “I can understand why my mother did it, she’d felt compelled to blame me, otherwise, she would lose her sole support, but, I have NO need for forgive them.”
And, all of these, are real-life stories. Even, as I’d made my lectures to the elementary schools, and told these examples to the young children, and how the adults can abuse them, was a child who spoke up, “I know, because my uncle/grandpa/uncle did it to me too!”
None of the three cases from above occurred in an environment of a “lacking and low-income, low social status family”. They’re all in the middle class, and, some of these parents have a certain status quo in the society.
The adults, “We will protect you”, often has a side note to, but, the adults normally don’t realize this. They would feel, that they’d needed to, consider the whole picture in handling of these matters, especially, as these events involved one’s own next of kin, the relationships among the relatives, or the household economics, etc., etc., etc., so, they’d tried to make sure all sides were, taken care of.
But, in these sorts of cases, what gets sacrificed were often, the children.
Because the perpetrators are the ones whom you’d called “family” or “relatives”, that, is what makes these cases especially difficult to handle, besides, the adults in most of these cases would start by grilling the victims (in this case, children), call them LIARS, and to SHUT up, to NOT spread any more rumors that will, damage the reputations of the house, without realizing, that by not acknowledging what had happened to your own young, you are, RAPING them again, and again, AND all over again, and yet, we still all, SURVIVED, hadn’t we???