A discussion on homosexuality, translated…
Outside the funeral home, he’d mumbled to himself: Dad’s gone now, and took away a lot of the unknown things about the family he hadn’t the chance to tell me yet. He’d said another thing, “MY dad must be wondering, about this son of his, he’d never asked anything about. I’d remembered what I’d told him, “Don’t worry, your dad must have known you well, you’re his son, he’d just, kept everything inside of himself………
The World Those Boys Taught Me to Understand
Spencer Tsai: Man-Juan mentioned a past of “doing the plays”, it’d helped brought out my character who was a homosexual.
And I’d told her, that in the two scripts written by Johnson Kuo, coincidentally, I’d played two similar roles, and, deeper into the world of homosexual men.
“On Men & Women”, if it was on an issue of who “I” was when I was younger, then, in the pressures of the society, I’d struggled between loving a man and a woman, then, in the play of “Lust, More Lust, Nothing BUT Lust”, I’d known my character very deeply then, playing a man of middle age years, I’d fallen, deeply in love with, the character played by Joseph Chang, who’s younger, and, it’d angered the female lead, played by June Tsai.
not my photo…
Both plays, were separated by a decade, and, Johnson Kuo’s dissection of homosexuality, became, even more matured.
And I, with these ten years’ differences, acted in two plays written by him, naturally, it wasn’t, coincidental, clearly, in director Kuo’s eyes, there was, some sort of a flair about me, that’s, very close to what he’d imagined for his characters, I suppose!
I’m a classic married VERY late, I’d stepped into the marriage at age forty-four, and, had my daughter at age forty-seven. Many years later, I’d had a meal with several students in their thirties who’d taken my classes from before, some of their children, are older than my own daughter, and, everything we’d talked of, was of the past, shared the views on childrearing, it was, a good meal, with added great conversations.
A female classmate laughed and told me, “I’d actually thought, that you, our handsome professor was gay! I’d never imagined you to be married to a woman and with a daughter of your own!”
“Why?”, I’d taken one more sip of my beer, and asked her.
She said, “Because, you got the looks!”, “You’re extremely mild-looking, with that air about you, and………”
“And what?”, I’d asked.
“And, when you teach the classes, you’d never once, looked at us, prettier girls!”, she’d laughed and pushed her classmates by her side.
Holy, that, was a misunderstanding, I feel shy about glaring at the pretty girls, that was called, basic courtesy, do you not understand that?
It’d been my thing, I’d always been very shy, couldn’t stare at the pretty girls.
The very first time, I’d finished acting in Director Johnson Kuo’s play, “Unrelated to the Sexes”, he’d set up a gathering, me, Johnson, Kevin Tsai, Ke-Hua Chen, the four of us.
That day, Ke-Hua wore a t-shirt, with the line: God knows I am a Gay! embroidered on it! As he’d sat himself down, Kevin started making fun, everybody knows, let alone god.
And, all of us started laughing hard.
And to tell the truth, I’d not figured it out yet, if that was, only a joke, or, if it was truth. But that afternoon, we had a grand time together, we’d discussed the subjects of theatre, films, literature, for the entire afternoon.
not my photo…
And then, a few years later, I’d lost love. And, there was, nothing for me to do then, and so, I’d gone to Kevin’s house every single day, and watched the videos at him place, and cried with the movies. Every time there was some scene that reflected my situations, I’d started, wailing aloud, Kevin rarely watched the movies with me, he’d only walked out of his study (he was revising his own script for a movie), and carried on in conversations with me. Back then, those who’d gone in and out of his house, were members of the entertainment industries, both males and females, but, I recalled there were, more males.
I’d needed to admit, that I’d, not noticed, or maybe, I’d, not minded, I’d never, thought too much about the homosexual community.
But, there was that once, as we’d carried on in conversations, Kevin asked me: will you never feel any sort of a romantic love toward another man?
I shook my head. Said that it was, a love of brothers, a love, of looking upon (as an admiration), sure, but, take it a step further, getting into the relationship of a man and a woman, a heterosexual relationship, then, no!
Many years later, I’d still recalled, how he’d sighed gently, and, with that smile, and, replied back to me, “That’s truly, unforced then!”
And that, was the very first, AND last time we’d gotten into a discussion about homosexual love.
But, I’d still gone to his house for the movies, to chit-chat, for over six months’ time.
Many years later, when his father died, I’d gone to visit him, outside the mortuary, he’d mumbled to himself: dad’s gone now, and took with him, a lot of things about this family, that I had, yet to find out.
I’d often called his dad, “Uncle Tsai”, like how my friends would call out to my own dad too, so, there’s, that close connection.
I’d patted him, he’d said, “My dad must be wondering, about this son of his, and yet, he’d never, asked anything about me.”
not my photo…
I’d recalled what I’d told him: don’t worry, your dad must know you, you are, his son, he’d just, kept it inside.
Surely, I’d become a dad too, many years from then. I can understand, the heart that has nothing but love for the children, and no matter what, they’re, a part of us, aren’t they? That, was what I’d believed, that Uncle Tsai never intervened how his own son lived, that represented his love, his understanding of his son, doesn’t it?
Forgotten when it’d happened, once, Ke-Hua Chen, who was a physician was attacked by the outside, saying that he is gay. He’d denied it openly to the media. I’d called him, consoled with him, supported him, and, he’d told me, with a muffled voice, that it was, all for his father’s sakes, he’d not wanted people to point at his dad. On my end of the line, I’d consoled with him, I said, “I understand you”.
And now, Kevin’s and his father both died, and they can, finally, live as themselves, more freely. And now, the years passed by quick, there was, a total change in the society in Taiwan on their understanding of homosexuality, I’d never been a homosexual, but, I’d allowed myself, to stand there, on the frontlines of the issues, to show my firmest support.
Only because, a lot of my friends, are trekking alone, on this lonely path, and I don’t want them to keep on suffering, because who they fall in love with!
I was a philosophy major, and studied politics too, and, no matter how the issues of party-politics, party systems got messed up, I’d set up the goal for myself, to continue to work hard, at being a “free” man in politics, and in attitude, on the subjects of gender all alike. I was affected by the modern day political scientist, Rogers, believing, that the only way to give justice to all, is by starting at the very bottom of the class, by giving them as many benefits as possible. The histories had proven, that when the situations for the laborers, the colored people, and women, and other with less rights get improved, and were respected, then, the human societies would take a step forward. And now, on the subject of homosexuality, that, is the view I took.
I’d used the fact that I have a daughter as an example. If we loved our children, then, NO matter what nature they may have, would we not love them, just as much?
At the worst time of her life, she’d needed us, her parents, to help her, to support her, at which time, can we, close our eyes, shut our eyes, and ignore her cries for help?
I know I can’t.
I’d often contemplated how I’d gone from my youthful days, into midlife, into early aging state, and I’d recalled, the looks of gloom that were in my friends’ eyes. They’d suffered, more than I had, and the reason wasn’t because they’re not outstanding, or not hardworking, but because, they were, a group, of different people.
I’d often felt, that “We” are only, afraid, that they’re, different than us!
And still, isn’t being different, a part of how this world should be?
I hope, that the world in the future, which my daughter lives in, will become, more tolerant, and more open, and people who are “different” wouldn’t be ostracized. Thankfully, my wife and I had, often each her, how to know this world, that’s set up, to be, filled with the multitude of difference among the people too.
So, from this man’s own younger years, he’d encountered some injustices that had happened to some of his friends, and, he’d hoped, that by speaking out, he can make this world better, so his own young can grow up in a world without fear.
Waiting for the Upper Half of the Crescent-Shaped Moon
Man-Juan Chang: He has a pair of gentle eyes, dark pupils, with the ripples, he’d bent over, carefully, handed me, a very delicate looking picture book, said, “The illustrated book I’d promised to give to you, here, it’s this one.”, on the colorful covers, his long, white slender fingers, this was, the very first student from university who’d, entered into my life. He’d always talked so softly to me, and, with that smile in his eyes. He was very different from all the other boys in the village, I’d known those boys who swore like crazy, covered up in sweat, that after they’re grown, they could, NEVER be like him. A short-sleeve shirt, a light-colored pair of slacks, looking very clean and genteel on him. And, he wa s actually, the older brother of a very shy college student, when my mom told me to pour him a glass of soda, and dad told me to ask him to stay for meal, he’d started, blushing. And, whenever he’d felt unsettled, he’d glanced over to Uncle Dze-An, it was my uncle, who’d brought him to meet us.
Uncle Dze-An took along a wide variety of different boys to my house. Sometimes just one, sometimes, two to three, Uncle Dze-An always told the boys, that my father was his best friend, that they’re like brothers, and so, coming to my house was like, coming home. And, although the boys all called my mom, “Sister-in-law”, but I knew, that my mother wasn’t willing. “How did you meet them?”, she’d called my uncle and asked, “on the ships.”, Uncle Dze-An was a sailor, he’d often brought by pantyhose, lipsticks, perfume or ointments whenever he’d visited us, sometimes, it would be fabrics from a foreign land. The first time the college-aged older brother brought a boy over, my mother told my father, “This, was the best guy of all the guy that Dze-An brought.”, my father nodded, without a word, then, he’d, asked him to stay for supper. I’d placed a shrimp into his bowl, he’d told me thanks, and, pulled the shell off, then, placed that shrimp into my bowl, and I’d told him thanks. He’d looked at me, smiled, said, “You’re welcome.”
Several months later, he’d come to my house again, and gave me a book, read the stories to me, and pointed to the characters that I didn’t recognize, taught them to me. Several months ago he’d left, and promised, that the next time he visited, he’ll give me a book, I thought only I remembered that, he did too, and, this sort of a small gesture, was a sort of an education of love for me who was that young.
But, he’d, never come by my house again, and, vanished, from my Uncle Dze-An’s life as well.
Uncle Dze-An still came by regularly, sometimes, he’d stayed for two, three days, and sometimes, for a short afternoon. As my father was away at work, he’d carried on in conversation with mother, and, told the stories of his life, with some young man. Uncle Dze-An was not tall, not good looking at all, he was from the south, spoke very softly, with a rice-ball shaped face, his eyes would always smile like the crescent-shaped moon. The man he’d talked of, was a kid from the countryside in the south, the man always told, that it was my uncle who’d been extremely kind, but he couldn’t repay him, because his family was, forcing him to marry a woman, with whom he was not even in love with. My uncle rushed to meet up with him before his wedding, to see him “one last time”, as my uncle told up to here, his eyes turned red, and, described how as he and his love walked out of the house, they’d, arrived at a patch of grass, and, with nobody around, they’d started crying, and, consoled one another, then, they’d, embraced each other, lying down on the patches, fell asleep. After they woke up, my uncle fell ill, and this illness had, tortured my uncle up bad. And, although my mother kept sending me on various errands, to try to get me away from the scene, but, as my uncle took out the photo of his love with his bride, I’d felt that sort of tearing up inside pain that his face had, reflected, and that, was the first time, that I’d, felt the love.
How, can there be love between two men? I’d, wondered to myself.
I’d recalled how I’d discussed the story of the old lover’s tale, I’d said, that the woman fell for him, because she knew he was a man; but why did, the man love her too? Could he be, homosexual? “How can that be? She’s a woman.”, my companions rebutted out of instinct. “But, she did, dress up like a man!”, I’d felt, that I’d, hit the key points, but, I’d never, gotten this view affirmed by anybody else.
Entering into my teenage years, I’d become, more and more introverted, the boys that Uncle Dze-An brought by would smoke, get drunk, then, talked with me, and my mother finally had it, asked Uncle Dze-An, to stop taking these men who came from god-knows-where to our home again: “My daughter is older now, it’s truly, inconvenient.” Ever since, Uncle Dze-An never took any more men to my home, and he’d, stopped coming by too.
The questions, they’d, piled up inside of me, as I read the romance novels by Hsin Yen, the male protagonist was so handsome like a Greek god, but, ever so aloof to the ladies, like he was, living in a different world, I couldn’t help, but wondered, “Maybe, he’d not felt anything toward a woman? Maybe, he loved men.”
As I’d read Thomas Mann’s “The Death of Venice”, it’d hit me, so, it’d, always, existed, that love that’s been, tabooed, that’s hidden away. And, I’d used this brand new finding, to read through the literatures, and found the interesting facts: at the age of thirty, the poet Wei Wang lost his wife, never married again, is he, keeping true to his marriage, or, was he, seeking out his true self?
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There was, a high number of people I’d known, who are, such great storytellers, who are willing, to soothe the heart of someone else, a lot of them are, homosexuals. And still, for a very long time, homosexual love wasn’t, blessed at all, and they can only, hide in the shadows. I’d, felt awful toward it.
Two decades had flown right by, I’m willing, to accompany by the side of my homosexual friends, or those children who are homosexuals, waiting for that crescent moon to turn full, to glow that gentle glow.
So, this, is a discussion on homosexual love, and, based off of these cases, there were, so many cases of homosexual love that ended tragically, because the older generations couldn’t accept that there are, MORE than just TWO sexual orientations in this world, but, as the world becomes more and more open, so do the views of people, and, that, is a good thing, because now, these people who are considered “ill” from before, can finally, step out into the light!