N’s Tears

The experiences in one’s life, coincidental to the roles we played on stage, translated…

I’d met N downstairs at the entrance of the hospital. Her mother was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, she’d quickly scheduled for the surgical removal of her uterus. I knew, that she was in the midst of filming a show, rushing to finish, I’m worried that she was, burning on both ends, and will end up, ruining her own health.

“As I sat outside of the operating room, I felt so ambiguous. I’d been involved in numerous shows, with my nose red, holding back my tears, and the next shot was the patient getting, wheeled out, it was usually a mother or a father, then, I needed to, be ready, to start wailing. But you know what? As I’d sat there, there were, TWO separate group of people who came to wait, nobody WAS crying. They’d normally just, played on their cell phones, or, stayed, dumbfounded, leaning against the walls, there were, so many worries inside everybody’s mind, but, that sort of waiting, it was, actually, not much different, from waiting at a bus stop. How can I cry? Crying meant accepting, accepting that one’s biggest fears had, come true. Nobody was crying there, for, they’d feared most, to feel their tears fall. As I sat there, I’d finally realized, that I’d, portrayed my roles wrong.”

actresses are trained, to cry on command here…footage from online…

I’d allowed her to talk, she kept, talking, on the edge of, some sort of emotion. I’m not afraid that she’ll cry, like she’d said, as the tears fall down, they might have fallen, “afterwards”, at a certain moment in time. I’d handed her a jar of chicken essence, walked with her, back to the outside of the OR. As we’d gotten back, her father said, that the doctor showed him the uterus that’s been removed from her mother, as well as the tumors, and, showed him where the cancer was, and, explained, how they would need to run more tests, to see, if the cancer’s spread to the muscular layers. But from the looks of it, even IF the cancer had, metastasized, her mother would only need the radiation therapies, that chemo wasn’t necessary at all. I’d squeezed her hand gently, and, she’d, squeezed out a smile toward me.

Waited until her mother was pushed out of the operating room, I’d, left. She’d told me that she will be on set tomorrow, it was also a hospital scene, with the death of her character’s husband, by myocardial infarction, leaving her and her seven-year-old daughter behind.

She’s laughed bitterly, “Isn’t this, life is like a show, and show is like life?” I didn’t cry, the worst hadn’t come, and I should be, glad of it. I probably won’t need to take too long, to get into character, I suppose, I’ll be able to, cry on command, because of these arrangements, it’s, very interesting. I’d not wanted to, use my personal experiences right now, to guide out my character’s emotions on the set tomorrow. This cheapens the values of an actress for me.”

I didn’t know how to respond to her, there are, moments of coincidence, from the actors and actresses, to real life sometimes, there’s, that deeply rooted sense of helplessness. A lot of the actors and actresses all have similar experiences, as their families fell ill, they’re away, and they can’t help it, and, needed to, portray the characters that they were playing as happy. Like, they’re, playing a clown, in the downs of life.”

If, the more we’d experienced, the more these experiences can, enrich our portrayals of the characters we played, I can’t help, but feel, that it’s, a bit, too cruel. The job of a performer, needed the drive to march on, in times of hardship, the arrangements of life, good, OR bad, we will be able to, turn the moments into the energies we find, to create. That’s not consumption, nor is it exploitation, just turning the respect of what one had, weathered through, into a sort of an inner core value that one now has.

these crying eyes, are they, really experiencing what is felt here???  Not my photo…

So, from these experiences, we can say, that LIFE, is full of dramatic moments, or, that drama is, filled with hints of reality, and, to know and be able to separate the two, and to know how and when to combine these two, that, is a lesson we all may need to learn.