from the papers…
The curve balls that life throws at you, the diagnosis of cancer, and what this woman learned from it, translated…
I’m Used to Suppressing Everything, Carried All the Errors, Responsibilities, All onto Myself, and, I’d Made Many Enemies from Without, MY Health Started Failing, Emotional Problems Surfaced, and My Body Started Objecting. To the End, What Was Clenching Tightly onto Me in This Hell Was Actually, Myself………
Using the Alcohol to Poison Myself, and the Accumulations of Emotions Turned into Cancer
When I’d become, psychologically ill, I’d just, wanted, to hide away. But, as my life got further and further down the road of danger, slowly, fell apart, lymphoma made its way into my life.
Returning back to the day I’d signed on my divorce, I’d left, with absolutely, NO money to my name, I’d only had $40 N.T.s left in my pocket, I’d sat, in the Triangle Park in Miaoli and cried for a whole day, not knowing where I was supposed to go in the future. I’d HATED my ex, for not letting me visit my own daughter, and, my hatred had, trapped me into this bad state of mind. Although, I’d, tried to make fun of my own situations, but, I’d found myself, deeper, and deeper, in my alcohol addiction.
During this time, I was often bothered by stomach troubles, to the extent of not being able to get up, I’d thought, that this was, from me not taking caution during my month of recovery after birth, plus my long-term experiencing all the bad moods, I’d not paid it any heed, just put a patch on the spot where it’d hurt. And still, on an elevator ride, I’d saw how my neck became so swollen in my own reflections, I’d gone to the ENT specialist, and the doctor shook his head, told me, “It’s nothing I can handle, you need to go to a major-scale hospital as soon as you can!”, I’d stopped my work, rushed to the larger scale hospitals for a proper and full exam.
After the doctor diagnosed me, he’d suggested that I get the tumor removed and have an biopsy done on it, and schedule for surgery, and for just my neck, I’d gone on and off the operation tables three times, and, I’d also had multiple surgeries on my stomach too. Because of this illness, my hatred overflowed me, plus, my body was in constant pain, I was like a prisoner, on the eve of my execution, getting hauled to the place where I was to be executed, denied everything that’s happened to me in the past, and I can no longer see, who is true toward me anymore.
If My Heart Stopped Hurting, So Does My Body
“Ahhhhhhh-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I don’t want it anymore!~~”, getting my marrow extracted was the most unforgettable kind of pain I shall ever endured in this lifetime.
The doctor made his way into the ward with the nurses, pulled up the drapes, asked my mother to wait outside, not allowing anybody else to watch. I was filled up with fear, not realizing, that this was, something I’d, needed to, face all alone.
In order to know whether or not my lymphoma had infected my bone marrows, and to see what stage I’d progressed, the doctor needed to extract my bone marrow.
In the process, the nurses evaded the needles, and handed me something that seemed like a rolled up piece of cloth for me to bite down on. And, I’d heard the clinking of metals, and heard that the needle was doing what it was supposed to, and in the procedures, they’d just given me a local anesthetic, I couldn’t fall asleep either, I’d needed to, held up my waist, so the doctor can draw the sample out from my spinal cord. as the needle made its way in to my bones, it’d needed to be readjusted to another angle, and I clearly felt something was into my body, click-click-click.
Sores, that tearing pain, started getting deeper, and deeper into me, I can clearly hear my bones shattering, and the banging on my bones, I was on the verge of breaking. “Heavens, why have you treated me so? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”, I was covered in cold sweats, and, my shrilling cries, probably, resonated through the entire seventh floor of the hospital.
getting diagnosed, not my picture…
My mother was trembling outside the room, and she was crying very hard, from feeling the pains I was experiencing. After I got my marrow extracted, I was at the point of paralysis and fainting. She’d made her way into the room, helped me, wiping away my cold sweats, as well as my fear too, “I’d wanted to be in here with you, but the nurse’s told me I couldn’t.” She’d whispered lightly into my ears, “It’s okay, you’re, okay now………”, in a blur, I saw my mother’s puffy eyes, her tears already dried, but, there were, traces of her having cried. I’d suddenly discovered, that I’d become, like an infant again, found that place of warmth, in my mother’s arms.
From a “Runaway Patient” to Complete My Target Treatment Programs
During which time, my eldest cousin, Tino kept stating on my behalf, “Don’t force her to go through chemo, don’t’ talk about her illness, unless she’s the one who’d brought it up.”
But I’d made up my mind, I was, going to spend up my every last dollar. I’d never treated myself kindly in life, I’d just, needed to, leave the insurances behind for my families!
I’d made up my mind, on being a “Runaway patient”, I’d made my exit, while the nurses weren’t paying enough attention, snuck out of the hospital, without anybody else noticing. I actually had, spent my every last dollar too, traveled all over, loaned everybody who’d asked me for money, and that, was the very first time, I was truly, happy too, and, I’d, planned a five-day-four-night trip to Japan with the consent of my ex, with the members of my own family.
This time, I’d spent, with absolutely, NO sense of worry, or guilt, I’d, stopped worrying about what’s to come in the future. And, I’d already, saved up my insurance pay-offs for my dad, I got NOTHING to worry about now. I knew, that the doctor reminded me out of his kindness, but, I’d wanted to, use my energy that’s still left in me, before I become ugly, to NOT delay accompanying my daughter as she grows older.
The blessings and downfalls of life, it’s hard to define.
After I’d spent up ALL my insurance pay-offs, returned to the hospital to get examined again, and, the cancer indicator had, dropped. My primary physician smiled and told me, “Good, it’s now, controlled, it’ll get better! You need to, do what I tell you to, it will be gone completely. Everything’s okay, you will, get better.”
“What? It’s under control now?”
“You just needed to go for the target treatments now, and take your oral chemo meds, starting, tomorrow.”
My face turned green right then and there, after I’d spent my every last dollar, you tell me I’ll be okay? Such a HUGE joke that heaven played on me.
And so, in Tino’s using the family card, I’d returned for my treatment, and gone through eight rounds of target.
these are the options given to you, not my picture…
So, a lot of the illnesses started in the mind, and, once you’d become more relaxed, the illnesses would all, fade away.
Any Number of Illnesses, Sufferings, Deaths in Life, is a Gift in Life
After I’m completely healed, I’d looked back at this cancer of mine, and realized, that it was, a supernatural kind of revelation—to forgive myself.
That was, a period of amazing days, seemingly, I was, succumb over by so much pains from the illness, but, it’d also, helped me collect all the love. Saying goodbye to yesterday’s gloom, and wave hello to the rising sun today, that, is the BEST gift ever!
Maybe, the cancer cells originally existed inside, and, their acting up was merely a way, to have us, reexamine our body, mind, and soul closely, reminding us, to constantly cherish things and people who are near to us; every single sentiment is just like so, and maybe, through severing all ties with family and loved ones, to bid farewell to the illnesses, the fears of our own demise, can we, make a brand new better life for ourselves.
success in treatment, getting cancer in remission here…not my icon!
So, this, is the lesson this woman learned from her cancer, and, her cancer WAS, a sort of a warning sign to her, that she’s not living her life the way she’s supposed to, and, after she’d deciphered that message, and started changing her way of life, her cancer became, controlled on its own, and sometimes, that, is how life goes, when you least expected it, life throws you that hard-hitting curveball, bouncing your lives out of bounds, and, it’s your turn, to get back on the right roads on your own, through searching for what went wrong, what’s not quite right in your lives.