A Window of Snow that She Owned

The therapist, helping his client, to, dig deep, into her soul here, from a blog in Chinese I subscribe to, translated by me…

The days with the snow falling, it’d looked white in the distance, all the pedestrians, looking cheery, the persimmon tree is filled with fruits now, I’d gone outside, picked up the twigs from the persimmon tree, with the light snow on them, I’d made it, into a pen, and started, writing, about a note I’d left, that I’d had, a warm fireplace, a cup of light coffee, with, a window, full of snow too………

Would a beggar, see the same thing, through this window of snow as I had? Could he too, watch, as things come to life outside? How do we, get through this process of life? And, gained the ability, to move our selves inside, to gaze outside, toward, this beautiful yard covered in snow? Instead of, standing, DEAD in the center of this, raging snow storm, and hating it? Hoping for those unfulfilled needs of our childhood years that still haunts us, and forgetting, that there’s this warm hearth close by, forget about how that bland coffee tasted, turning our backs away, from this, beautiful snow that’s taking up the yard outside?

looking out, it’s all that she sees,  not my photograph…

Bai had, weathered through her share of harsh snow storms, she was, abandoned, at a relative’s house by her parents, as she’d talked about it with me, she was, overwhelmed with anger and sorrows. Bai has, this gigantic anger in her, as she’d talked about how she grew up, I can feel the anger, building inside of her body, but, she’d, denied that this, was her, experiencing anger, she had, disowned her angry self.

She’d not seen herself losing all control, I’d not, doubted, or challenged her, just, allowing her, to lose all her control, at her past self. She’d cried, and screamed, for the deprived her as a young child, for the Bai, that wasn’t, allowed to, come back out. There were, hints of sorrows, in her screams, with the fears, running around, inside of her body now, like someone who’s come inside, from the storms, shaking off all the ice that’s covered her up.

As her sense of fear was, magnified, there was now, that sense of being frightened in her screams, with her, not allowing herself to experience the emotions fully, she’d discovered the ambiguities as she’d talked on, and I’d just, sat close to her, and, listened.

going to threapy, not my photograph…

The entanglement of all her emotions, became where her battle lies. She is still, in the snow, not realizing, that she’s, someplace warm now. How can she realize it? She won’t allow herself the chance to, following the tracks here, she’d, reached, a dead-end.

After her breaking down, she’d, noticed her own emotional outbursts, felt apologetic, and guilty over how she’d acted, kept claiming, that this, wasn’t what she was here for, that she was not here, for the sake of her younger, past, self, but for the sake of her own daughter now. She’d desperately wanted a solution, to make her daughter change. The past had, passed, but, all those storms, she’d not, allowed them, to pass her by completely, and the ice, the snow, started, pounding down at her body, she did not, allow herself, to experience it all fully, and, can’t see how far she’d come, or, the strengths she’d gained from going through the trials of her own life either………

She had, grown up, in the snowstorms, and, longed, for a complete home, she can, seek out her own ideal home, but, she’d, often, overlooked the fact, that we all, carried some of our problems from the past with us, from one place to the next, from one family, to the next. In the past, she’d, lived in the snowstorms, but, she’d not, allowed herself, to experience the fierce coldness that it’d brought, but she does, feel the chills. And, even as she’d, denied herself the experiences of the coldness of the weather, the cold had, surrounded her now. And because, she’d, disowned the cold, the cold had become, too stubbornly, attached to her, never left her consciousness ever. Like, it was, waiting for some sort of an approval, and, since she can’t get the approvals, there’s no way, she’ll ever be relieved. The days just, passed, like a concept of sorts, she can’t tell, what went wrong.

She’d continued, to speak of her inability, to take good care of her own child.

I’d not, told Bai, what a wonderful person she is, what positive resources she has in life, I’d, rarely tell my clients that, I’m waiting, for them, to tell me how wonderful they are…

I’d asked her, if her child is fed, is he clothed, is he, alive and well? And, can she, appreciate, all that she’d already done?

imagine living in this state of mind from a child, not my photograph…

And the replies, naturally, was that Bai wanted to do more.

The relationship with the world that Bai established had, started, WAY back in her childhood years, I’d wanted her to, experience her own relationship with her self, as the relationship with the world, has to do with the relationship with the self. I wanted to see, how she’d already, given it all she has. Satir said, “Everybody, at every moment, had, given everything, and, if there’s, a better way of approach, then, people would, surely, go for that too……”

Allowing Bai to experience the resources she already has, learn to see herself in a brand new light, to appreciate her self more, then, she’ll, learn, to cherish and love her self, knowing what she should, give her self, and where she should begin her journey, to finally, see her self, for who she is. How she could, walk through the snowstorms, and be like those people she saw outside, with leisure, and, watch, with pleasure, that tree, with the red persimmons.

But, I’d also, make her experience, all the painful parts too, the cruel, cold truths, and, break open her own consciousness, to allow herself, to experience the pains, in the fullest extent. She’d needed, to experience the pains, the energies from her own life, as she was growing up, all alone, lonely, as a child, she’d complied to the adults’ requests, to not allow herself to have what she’d needed, and, learned to use this defense mechanism, to protect herself, that way, she would have, any experiences. And so, she’d needed, to take an adventure, of getting her self-knowledge back again, to allow herself to experience what she’d never allowed herself to experience earlier in life.

She doesn’t know what her self consists of.

My role is, merely, a company, someone she can talk to, who’d shown her the acceptances, the love she’d needed to find in herself, so she can, slowly, incorporate that into her own life, and slowly, find back, her lost self.

She doesn’t want to be abandoned by her family, and now, she’d, not allowed herself, it’s, the same thing as, she, performing the acts, of abandoning her self, but she was, unaware, of what she was doing to herself. Making her realize, that she is, walking through, the midst of this huge snow storm inside of her, accepting, and allowing herself the experiences of her own pains, then, she will, be able, to see how much resources she actually owns, in the snowstorms, so she can, move freely, toward that burning fireplace. To pour herself, a hot cup of coffee, to look at herself, in the eyes of admiration, of awe, and start, enjoying the view that’s, presented itself before her.

and, it’s going to get worse, not my animation…

The snow started, falling on the northern lands, in the bells of the midnight hour of the brand new year, other than leaving the footprints behind, life should always, be noted, first, by oneself, seeing those, resources that one has, those values that, persisted through time, those energies, in the name of love, that you’d not, allowed yourselves to see, to take a note of, but still persisted through it all, no matter how much trial, how much pains are, in the process of the experience………

So, this woman is still NOT realizing what she was, made of, she’s only, beginning, to get into contact with the pains of her own childhood years, and, she’s, denied herself to experience whatever it was that was lacking in her childhood, and, until she can, fully, OWN up to what she was deprived of as she was growing up, her process of getting to know the self won’t be finished, but, she’d taken, that very first step, reaching out, to this therapist for help…


About taurusingemini

All I have to say, I've already said it, and, let's just say, that I'm someone who's ENDURED through a TON of losses in my life, and I still made it to the very top of MY game here, TADA!!!
This entry was posted in Adult Children, Beliefs, Experiences of Life, Lessons of Life, Mishaps in Life, Properties of Life, Ranting About Life, the Consequences of Life, the Process of Life, The Trials of Life, Traumas of the Younger Years, Values of Life and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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