The Mother of a Troubled G.T. Student

The therapy session, filled with reflections about the self, in an attempt, to help her own son, from the blog of a counselor, in Chinese, translated by me…

Jia-Kai turned seventeen this year, and had isolated himself for six months by now, to the point, of never leaving his own bedroom, let alone, going to school in the mornings. He’d, squatted in his own bedroom every single day, just played on his computer, doesn’t say a single word to his families, and he’d not, share a meal at the dinner tables, as the family members watched the boy slowly, sink downward, not knowing, how this had, happened to him………

As this last cold front attacked, Jia-Kai’s mother came to my office, she’d impressed me, with her minced tightly lips, and tears rolling down her cheeks, similar, to how this current cold front makes me feel, I’d also, felt that chill. She’d not, used her hands to wiped off her tears, and her tears, rolled down her cheeks, dropped off, from her chin. She’d used, her icy, cold, aloof glares, and attempted to divert the subject away from our discussion, and, swallowed her tears back down into her throat! Carefully, she’d, tried, NOT to breakdown.

photo from online…

I asked her how she felt about emotional expressions, she’d just, described, like she was, an unrelated, uninvolved, third party, as she talked about her own emotions, she’d, displaced, drifted away from herself. I can see, that she’d not, wanted to, discuss this subject anymore. She’d, suppressed her tears, but, her brains, gave her away.

She’d, read, a ton of books on psychology, to try, to solve Jia-Kai’s problems, but, she kept, running into, one dead-end after the next. She’d come, solely, for a solution, she was, willing, to put ALL of her into the learning processes. Jia-Kai is seventeen already, how can he, just, squander his life away, doing, nothing? It would be, too late for him, if he keeps, living like this.

In order for her brain to NOT intervene, and divert away from the main goals, I’d, allowed her to, just cry. My questions slowly, prodded deeper, and deeper, and her tears, came, like the rushing in of the tidal waves, to the point that it’d looked like she was, having, a complete MELTDOWN, perhaps, because she’d, held it all in, way too long! She’d, buried her head, between her hands now, as her shoulders, twitched rhythmically, those were, the tears, that were, suppressed, for way too long, by her brains, I’d not offered her any consoles, just sat by her, and allowed her to cry, silently! She had, buried her head in her hands, and, maybe, it’d because she felt she had nothing more to lose, or that she’s bolder, she’d, started screaming loudly: WHAT, did I do wrong? That he’d, used this way, threatened, to kill himself! I’d, worried about him, every single day, I’d done everything I know, how can he do this, I watched him, just playing his computer games, and there’s, that immense sense of HATRED I’d felt toward him, oh, how I hate………

Psychotherapy in S-E-S-S-I-O-N here, not my photograph

The mom before me, sturdy, and strong, there’s a reason why she’d become, how she is, and, behind her upset, her anger, her hatred, there certainly, is a story waiting, to be told and heard. She’d gotten used to resolving her problems sensibly, that, was a part of, how she, survived. She’d finally, gotten into what her perceptions about feelings were, that allowing emotions to show, is a sign of weakness, and, the only way, is through, completely, controlling one’s own emotional ups and downs. The way she’d interpreted feelings and emotions, was made up by her brains, what seemed to be, an acceptable mirage. I’d seen, this phenomenon on a lot of people already, so, it’s nothing strange to me.

She’d kept her emotions controlled, and controlled the looks of her own life, through reasoning, criticizing, evading, suppressing, to control her own son. She’d, used this same method, in disciplining Jia-Kai too. Through using her authoritarian ways, knowledge, accusations, pointing fingers in a round-and-about way, to make her own son feel guilty, to set up this, façade, of peacefulness. Underneath her tough exterior, there, is a very, fragile soul, behind that richness of knowledge, there’s this dying, drying up soul.

After the Pandora Box of her emotions was opened, she’d felt, her stomach starting to twist and turn, her head, swelling up, her body was, completely, taken over by her emotions now, with her head, still, nostalgic, about the past………

Jia-Kai wasn’t always like this, there was, that feeling of complexity that flowed from the mother’s eyes as she’d started talking about how her son used to be. Jia-Kai was a very lovable little angel, kind, courteous, and gentle, Jia-Kai had, won numerous awards, was in the gifted and talented courses in his middle school years, made high grades, but everything started to change last summer, he’d, begged his mother to allow him to stay at his classmate’s for a few days, and, after many arguments, she’d agreed to his request, but with the conditions which he must, abide by.

The mother was really angry at herself for allowing him to go spend the night at his classmate’s house, believed, that Jia-Kai was, under the influences of his bad friends, and ever since, his grades started, slipping, he’d started, to get drawn in by the net cafés, and talked back to his mom more, which caused his mom, to use more ways to control him, used the assortment of ways, to try to steer her son in the right directions, she’d even, disconnected the internet, but he’d, threatened to kill himself with a knife, and he’d stopped talking ever since, his mom worried that he may commit suicide, so she’d, allowed him to log onto the internet as he wished.

“okay, and how does that make you feel?”…not my photo still.

I’d started, prodding into the mother’s own childhood, it was, a complete, blank, she’d, forgotten ALL her memories of childhood now, and this part of conversation, it’d, reminded me of Alice Miller’s talking about not remembering their pains in the childhood years, and only talks of the happy parts, it was all, for the sake of survival, and became, rationalized, and matter-of-fact. The happy memories she’d kept a hold onto, had the parts of those moment she forgot, but, her body, her heart had, kept intact, which took effect, in the way she’d, interacted with her own son. She’d recalled, how her father was, using the forceful measures, to make her submit to his will. Those things she’d taken, as matter-of-fact are now, causing her, enormous pain. And those matter-of-fact things, caused her to be in pain, which conflicted with her own beliefs that she “should be” happy. And now, she’d, copied her father’s measures, whenever she’d used stronger, more forceful measures, used stronger will, then, life will be how she wanted it to be, and her son will, follow her commands.

What the mother picked up in her childhood years, is almost identical as Jia-Kai’s responses to her, because Jia-Kai is totally behind on his coursework, he’d stopped, going to school now. Jia-Kai never learned about loss, and didn’t understand how to lose, because nobody was there, to accompany him on learning all of this, only told him, to overcome his own failures, and, Jia-Kai learned, that he needed to succeed, in order, to gain the respect of others. Think of how the little angel from way back when, had his wings broken, and fallen to earth, how, does he, perceive himself?

Jia-Kai locked himself inside his bedroom, threatened his mother with his own death, left a note, then, ran away from home, never came out of his bedroom, not even to eat. He said, he will be, fasting, but, had snuck out in the middle of the nights, rummaging through the fridge, and, his mom can only, fill up the fridge with food.

Jia-Kai is truly, an amazing student, he’d, absorbed his mother’s methods of interacting, turned that loss of the sense of security he’d felt, into a distorted emotional expression, then, expressed his raging anger, and the angrier he felt, the more self-righteous he’d become. And the more matter-of-fact he’d become, the more power, he’d gained, and thus, the mother and the son were, both, trapped, in their ways of interacting, it’s just, that they aren’t even, aware of this!

Through my session with his mother, she’d become, more and more relaxed, allowing herself, to experience her own tears, going back and forth, in her running emotions, drifted from the past, into the present, and back, to the past, swaying between. Slowly, she’d, detected her mode of survival. In the end, her tears became, different, they’d become, the tears of appreciation for her self now, and started speaking of the softer side of Jia-Kai, told me she saw things, more clearly now.

This was, an amazing mother, she is now, with the enormous strengths, with a lot of self-awareness too. She was just, a victim, doing all she possibly can, to change her own son, accused him for misbehaving. But after our three-hour sessions, she’d worked, so very hard, to change herself. I’d, invited her to take a Satir course, and asked her to come back to share her experience of what she’d gained from the course with me again, which she’d agreed, gladly.

Before she left, she’d promised me, she will, accept her emotions in whole, allowing herself to accept her own son, to take the courses I’d recommended to her, I’m sure, that she’s now, equipped with ALL the resources she will ever need, to fully, accept herself.

I’d told her, that there are, very many cases of gifted and talented student, refusing to attend the classes, that I’d wanted to use her story as a reminder to the parents, that the way to resolve, is in the parents themselves, she’d agreed, and asked me to not use her name, and put off writing the stories of her childhood that she’d disclosed to me. Because she’d only, started to, remember her childhood, and was still experiencing the impacts of her own childhood, still felt dizzied by it, and, although she now knows, she’s, equipped with all she’d needed, to overcome the past, but she was, not yet ready to deal, to closely, examine, this part, of her own, forgotten past yet.

She’d told me, that it’s, as if she’d gotten a deeper understanding in psychology, but those stiffened data she’d shoved into her mind from before is slowly, making sense to her now, in the experience she’d just had now, it seemed, she’d, understood, quite a lot, she is, certainly, quite intelligent, hardworking too, and was, willing, to try, after reading so many books in psychology, I’d only, understood a little about Satir’s methods, but not really known anything of psychology.

a place that feels comfortable enough, to talk in…not my photo still.

As she’d walked out of my office, she’d smiled and commented, that the weather is still, as cold as when she’d come in! But, she’d had, a brand new perspective, that there’s now, that sense of calm that’s, filling up the cold air, and there was, also, that moving feeling too. I gave her, my deepest, blessings………

So, through this session, the woman reflected on her childhood, and realized, that her son was only, reflecting her own upsets, her own anxiousness, and after she’d figured it out, she’d become, more mature mentally, and, was able to, cope with her own problems, and, she’s now, better equipped, to cope with her own son’s behavior problems, and this still just shows, how parents are still the ones, who affect their own young the most.