From a published writer’s blog in Chinese I’m a subscriber to, translated, by me…
Listening, is the MOST important part of communication, and yet, those who were brought up in the older eras were forced, to hear their elders rant incessantly, and they had, accumulated, some many unspoken sentences, that all overflowed as they’d turned into adults themselves.
I’d received a call from an educator who was living abroad, she was inquiring on behalf of her own child, how she can answer her own child’s inquiries? How she can help the child’s parents? The educator was very passionate, she’d looked after so many children with difficulties, and had, managed to, teach them all very well, but, she’d never had such a difficult to teach child in her teaching career, and she’d become, stumped, which was why she’d called me up for advice.
The educator talked about the situations with this particular child, the child, was like NO other she’d ever, encountered, very troublesome, which was why she’d called me up, to see if I have any advice for her.
I’d heard the educator talked about the child, and had formed a rough mental picture of him, and agreed to meet up with the educator, I’d set aside three hours of my time, to meet the child in Taichung.
The child didn’t know that it was, a counseling session, just thought he was being introduced to a writer.
The child had no emotional control, and when anything small happens, he’d become hysterical, started screaming, and acting like he was the victim, and the father didn’t know how to cope with it. As I saw the child, I’d struck up a casual conversation with him, and I couldn’t zoom in on the specific issues! Because the educator worried that it might cause the child unwarranted distress, she’d not wanted me to bring up the core issues yet, which was not what I’d agreed on in the first place, because the prerequisite to me helping him was that he needs to be willing to meet with me first.
This, wasn’t what we’d agreed upon, and I’d believed, that there was, little I can do. So, I’d talked with the child’s father, and asked him how he felt about the subjects we weren’t supposed to discuss, what, he’d wanted his son to get out of talking with me? I’d taken a seven-hour flight back here, for this short conversation with the dad, and from talking with the father, I felt how much he’d loved his own son.
The father was very open about it too, told me that he wasn’t looking to change his own son, just needed my professional advice on how to handle the conflicts with his own son? I’d, led the father toward a goal of our sessions: how to deal when his own son became hysterical? And I was able to get to understand how the father was raised, and found his anger and fear, reacting to his son’s ups and downs.
But before we were able to get five minutes’ worth of conversation in, the educator had, interrupted us. So, I got, interrupted, half way through my advice to the father, which the educator had, interjected a series of her own take on the issues.
The educator started talking about her observations, and stated how she thought my advice weren’t helpful one bit, that the only way to treat the man’s son was to medicate him.
I really don’t know, what, I can do at this point right now. If there was something I can do, I’d be, talking solely with the educator now. And, the educator started ranting incessantly, and, I thought, she’s an educator too, so, I might as well just listen, maybe, I’ll be able to learn something too. The educator went on and on, and on, about her own process of being educator, and the more she’d talked, the more emotional she’d become. It’s just that I’m now, curious, what, did the educator come to me for, if she thought my advice weren’t going to help, and she’d, brought a friend, from across the straits too!
The educator ranted on, and on, and on, but, there seemed to be, NO point in her talks, she kept telling about how she was educated, she really got into it too! And all the child’s father did, was listened to her rant, and so, I’d, sat quietly, and, listened too! Because, honestly, I really don’t see WHAT I can do! If I had a thought, I would’ve, interjected, but I really can’t tell, WHAT the situation was! An hour flew by us, the father of the child finally couldn’t take it anymore, he got angered, and used that blaming tone of voice, told her, that he didn’t come all this way, to listen to her bullshit!
Then, the atmosphere froze, followed by their justifications of why they’d talked so much, then, all four of the styles of communication crisscrossed, and the meeting is now, filled, with that weird air, as it’d, continued on. And I, just waited, silently by, for their arguments, to reach an end.
This, was a once-in-a-lifetime encounter, but it was, truly, cruel all right, brought discomfort, to these two individuals who’d come before me.
And maybe, the educator didn’t quite understand, WHAT, she was doing! She had, fervently introduced us to meet up, and, both the parent AND the teacher were, seeking to find a solution to the problems. I’d silently speculated, this educator may be passionate about teaching, but, she probably didn’t have good listening skills! Only wanted to express herself endlessly, and as I thought, I’d, let out a sigh!
Learning to listen, is something that’s not at all easy to learn, and, only until you’d fully listen to someone, can you finally, get that positive curiosity, and, figure out what the problems the two of you are trying to tackle was. Hearing the problems which you’d failed to notice from before, helping the communication process to flow along smoothly, to know oneself more completely. There was a saying in Greek, “The intelligent allows experiences to speak for themselves, and the wise, remain silent, due to experiences.”
And these words should be, applied to real-life, in the workforce, sales, interpersonal relationships too. But yet, only a limited number of people can fully understand this concept.
I’d recalled my past self too, wasn’t I also, quite talkative myself as well? And, didn’t I talk, on subjects that don’t really matter? Causing the atmosphere to freeze up, while thoughts were, running loose inside of my mind. Had it not been my learning the Satir model, and had gotten inspired by books of Töler, I’d also be one of those who have troubles, listening to others!
From the era of listening, to the era of communicating, the art of listening became, even MORE important now. Krishnamurti stated, “when you lacked the patience, you’re, attacking someone, constantly engaging in the dueling, constantly defending oneself, and you won’t be able to keep that calm, to examine, listen, and, feel deeply. Working so hard, to get to the other side, without knowing, what, the other side has in store, or how to get there.”
And, what I saw before my eyes, reflected the new book I am working on, it’d, validated my points. And at the end of this session, I’d, talked with the father for an hour, his childhood experiences had, caused him to relate the way he was relating, there was, that deep thought, inside the man’s tears, he couldn’t cry, for many years before, and as they left my office, I’d wondered to myself: what, did this session do for both the father and son, what would they, take away from my counseling sessions with them?
So, this still just shows, how LISTENING (you got TWO ears, don’t you???) is MORE vital than using your LIPS (as you only got ONE mouth, unless there’s some sort of a MUTATION!!!), and yet, the older generations of adults (like the generations from before me!!!), they’re all way too into LECTURING their children about whatever, without realizing, that HEY, we KIDS had heard ALL those TALES you STUPID (‘cuz that, is what you all are!!!) parents had to tell us a long, long, long time already, and, believe it or don’t, we can RECITE those tales BACK to you, backwards, forwards, UPSIDE down AND right-side UP too!!!