A survivor’s tale, from online, translated, by me!!!
The remembering of trauma of the younger years, will make you traumatized again, and again. And, this feeling, is not saturated, condensed, or even, symbolic, but it’s a reliving of that specific moment in time for the individual. During this period of reexperiencing the feelings, the individual became, unaware of the changes in time and space, thus, won’t be able to respond to the changes in one’s own current life. And, from an outsider’s perspective, the individual looked like as if s/he is a computer that crashed.
not my art…
And, the only way to break through this cycle of getting stuck, is by consciously, experiencing, feeling, the pains left behind by the trauma one had weathered through. Telling the experience to someone, writing out one’s own life experiences, are both good way to do this. But for the person retelling the events of her/his past, it would be, excruciatingly painful, as was, the nature of the events. But, in the process of reexperiencing the traumas of one’s own past, and feeling through it, the individual will feel that sense of strength, the powers from the symbolisms of one’s own experiences in life. Allowing the person speaking, to be fully impacted by the emotions and events, and, reowning her/his own body once more.
This is, from the person who’s been traumatized, “Time is standing still”, “I feel that I just, keep on, returning to the past over and over again”, “I can’t see the future”, “I can’t feel now”. All of these feelings are, real, in their existence, and, it can’t be changed or altered, by anything on the external environment. Only through embracing that once-injured child inside, listening attentively, to the stories that child’s telling, that child who’s trapped, inside the traumas, can finally, begin, to feel the now.
And yet, the hardest part about reliving through the trauma, telling the stories, is that the traumas are, fragmented, and strong, sensory memories. All of which, are nonlinear, and, it’s a long way, from putting all the bits and pieces together as a whole, to fit logic. Plus, for some, the damages had, fermented overtime, became maximized, and, the damages appeared, and were, suppressed, over, and over again, in the years that came to pass. And, some of these injuries came, at a time, when the individual lacked verbal expressions (while the body still remembered), causing the individual, to find it hard, to tell others what had happened to her/himself.
how the child feels…not my picture.
It’s a mass-scale construction, walking through the traumas of one’s own life. finding an ally, creating a safer environment, acquire new knowledge, finding someone to love, all of these goals came one by one, and are all, very hard to achieve. And still, as you, attempted to, tackle these goals one by one, you’re, unknowingly, on the path to recovery already.
The storytelling by the individuals is fill with perils, and this is not because of the person who’d experienced the traumas at all, but because the impact from the traumas had been, too immense for others to imagine. From the moment that the traumatic events occurred, “normal” had already become, meaningless to the victims. Besides, the society would, do all that it can, to eradicate the facts that trauma did occur to the individual. At which time, the victims would feel all alone, that nobody understands them, and isolated.
Writing, is lonely, but at the same time, it’d allowed you to examine your selves, without any outside judgments of how you feel. And the writer can decide, if s/he wants to show what s/he put down to give to others to read or not. Even if for the time being, nobody understands what you’d weathered through, you can still find comfort in writing it all out, for the sakes of you.
The internal state of being, is difficult, for most people, because in the cultures, and the way we were educated, it’s often, overlooked, even, a taboo. This caused a lot of children, after growing up, can only feel what’s on the surfaces, and not know what one feels about certain things on the inside, causing this lack of empathy in the society.
But, even in the midst, of all these difficulties and hardships, inner dialogues still work wonders, because that inner child lives in you, that tabooed experience is still, waiting, for you, to get to know it better.
So, this, is the search for what happened to me when I was a kid? Trauma, that, is what happened to you, but, I don’t remember, because your mind had, blocked it out, for the sake of your survival, because if your mind didn’t block out ALL that bad stuff that’s happened to you in your life from your memories, you would’ve surely, die, and, the process of discovering all of this, is still, NO easy task, as the experiences of this man who was raped by his own nanny and her family had show, but, slowly, he’d healed back up, because he was courageous enough, to dig deep, into what happened to that young child that he was, a long time ago, to find out what happened to him.