You, Who Left, Gently

Translated…

The period of time when your memories are, collected by others, this usually happens, after you’re already gone, I suppose…

When she was still alive, I’d always talked trash to her, and after she was, gone, regrets were, all that remained.

For a very long time, I’d believed that my paternal grandmother was one who will live on forever, until she’d been taken by cancer, I’d held firm to the belief, that she’s a special kind of human; but, going her own way, she’d naturally, stubbornly, chosen her own path at the very end of life too, two months after her surgery, she’d, passed on.

from the newspapers…

After her surgery, she’d still kept true to her playful nature, she’d wanted to get up and go to the bathrooms three times in five minutes, and, a few days right after her surgery, she’d gotten up in the middle of the nights, and snuck around and about, then, lost her balance, bumped her head. Not sleeping in the nights, not getting out of bed during the daytime, refused to eat any food whatsoever, is it because she’s weakened, or simply, lazy? Back then, I’d scolded her harshly, for her unwillingly to be controlled, said that she’d not known how to love herself toward the very end, how much of a disappointment she was to me.

But, what’s most disappointing, was me.

I let myself down. After learning about grandma getting sick, I’d felt, so helpless. I am angry at myself, for not treating her kindly in her final days of life, that she could no longer, talk normally, that she could, no longer, chew her food like she’d done before, couldn’t sit or stand up, I’d believed her behaviors were a sign of laziness. As the nurses reminded us, to NOT allow her to have things her way, to make sure that she lives, like a normal person, as I’d called out to her when she’d no longer, responded, I still believed, that she was, piqued.

That day, after I’d fed her her soup for lunch, my mother lay her down, her lips started, turning white, she’d lost consciousness, I’d worked hard, to suppress my own panic, calmly, started performing CPR on her, but I’d not, wanted to, exert any force whatsoever—every single compression, her bones and flesh, fell deeper and deeper still, it seemed, that she’d gone, farther and farther from us all. As the paramedic came in, I’d never taken my eyes off of her, until the ambulance’s door slammed shut.

The day my grandmother died, I’d not cried, because I was so distraught, that there was just, no tears that came out.

Grandma to me, is someone very important. I’m from a single parent family, my father at the very beginning, didn’t even KNOW that I existed, until later on, he’d learned, that my mother had me. In their short-lived marriage, being together with grandma, was memorable and precious, she’d often showed off to all her friends, that I was, very smart—in my kindergarten years, as she’d come to pick me up, and I’d wanted a snack, I’d told her, “Granny, my teeth want to exercise now!”

And still, as I’d learned about mom, I’d started, estranging myself from my father and my grandmother, even as we’d lived under the same roof, there’s nothing but complaints, and that aloofness. Until my grandmother died, my mother told me, “You will have less and less family left, if you don’t know how to cherish them, then, you will have to live with so many more regrets!” after that, I’d broken the ice with dad for over twenty years’ life, because I’d wanted my grandmother’s death to mean something. Everything happened, the best as it should, I’d, tried hard, to believe.

Dearest grandma, I’m sorry and regretful, that I’d never told you that I loved you so. Thank you for teaching me, to not hold a grudge after the bad words get said, thank you for allowing me to take after your performing persona, thank you, for keeping my family together. I hope, that the world you live in now, is filled with peace, love, and health, and no arguments.

Leaving gently, not taking away any pains in the world or sorrows. I’m grateful to you, and the blessings too, my grandmother, Ching-Ching Tseng.

So, this, is how someone found closure, forgiveness, as she got older, and, losing someone so dear can have such a strong impact on one’s life, that’s for certain!!!