From an online blog I’m a subscriber to, translated, by me…
The little boy had grown up, with a deep lock between his brows, he was taken to see me by his mother.
It was, many, many years ago since I’d started conversing with this boy. He was born in Japan, it was, somewhat difficult for me, to converse with him, but, I’d remembered every one of our conversations. What impressed me the deepest that time was, he’d longed for a more in-depth connection with his own father, but as the leader of a society, his father usually lectured at him, made him feel he wasn’t good enough, the boy had a difficult time becoming more intimate with his own father.
let’s start, shall we…
not my photograph…
The boy once mentioned how he loved riding with his father by his side, how they’d sat next to one another, and enjoyed a soak together, back when he was in the fifth grade, he’d written a letter to his dad, asking his father, to relive the times they’d shared before, but his father didn’t respond.
I still remembered the conversation we had four years ago, as the little boy talked about his father, how there was that hint of happiness when he talked of the wonderful moments in life he’d experienced with his own father, and how he looked stressed, as he spoke of not living up to his father’s expectations of him. And how deeply he’d frowned, that look had been, etched, into my mind.
as we progressed further into the sessions…
Yesterday, the family of four came in, how was the father finally convinced to see me, I have, no clue.
The boy’s older sister came too, she just didn’t know why she was brought to my place.
It was, the little boy, who was, unwilling, as his mother took him into my office.
The mother came to ask for help first, told me, that although they were all educated in the Japanese ways, that they’d, migrated to live in Japan for long term. I’d still invited her, that if there was any way possible, to bring her whole family here to meet me. In recent years, the boy grew up a little every day, but he’d become, totally, withdrawn, into his own little world now, refusing to make ANY connections with the outside world whatsoever, only spent his days with his cell phone, developed this strong estrangement to his own father, gotten into too many conflicts with his father, and so, the boy came back to Taiwan alone to live with some relatives, to get away from the warzones, but also, he’d managed to, estrange himself from his family even more.
now, we’re slowly, opening up…
I’d met with the family, the father works as a president of a company, like someone from a movie, this encounter with a father out of a Japanese film had, enlightened me. We’d exchanged simple words of greeting, then I asked the father’s expectations for his own son. Turns out, the father only wanted his son to be optimistic about his own life, nothing more.
I’m not at all excellent in recognizing the faces, but I’m really good, at recalling the stories that others told me. The story that the boy told me four years ago became, really clear in my mind now, after I’d gotten his permission, I’d shared the story he’d told to me, as the boy heard the story from me, his originally stiffened body relaxed a whole lot, his face became, all red………
I’d asked the boy, “Do you still want to make that connection with your father now?”
“It’s fine either way………”, he’d stated, with that no comment look on his face.
I’d worked in the boy’s closed up experience, I’d needed to, guide him very slowly, ten minutes was enough. As the boy talked, he’d become, softened, although his arms were still, crossed in front of his chest, his legs crossed too, leaned his body back, he’d started, carrying on in conversations with me now. He’d talked about the stress he was faced with in school, how he had, failed to live up to his father’s expectations, and how angry he was with himself…
I’d turned around, asked the father, do you know what your son wishes the most of? How he’d, looked up to you so very much, how he’d looked upon you, with that gaze of longing and pride too?
The father blushed too, such a pair of father and son they are! The father nodded his head with much difficulty, showing that he’d understood.
But the mom, and the older sister who were sitting closely by, were starting to, cry now.
The older sister replied, that after she’d heard her younger brother shared, she’d just, wanted to cry. I guess so, I’d led the family, into the layer of their desires now in this guided conversation. We’d, established, this stable network of love, allowing that feeling of safety to slowly, pass between us all. I work, in the layers of love now, we’d, built up this network of love here. I’d wanted this family to connect through love, in this conversation, so they can start to open up to one another.
I asked the father if he loved his own son, and naturally, he’d nodded, “yes”.
He said he hoped that his son can gain more self-confidence in the future, to not have so little of self-confidence.
I’d asked the father to share what he’d noted of his son which was positive in nature, what his son had done that’s made him proud? The father started sensitively, that the son was very pure, since he was growing up, innocent, and can connect with others on a level that’s special to children’s nature. That it was something that being as introverted as he, could never accomplish. He was, deeply proud of his son because of it, but, as his son grew older, he’d become, more like his dad, turned into an introvert, and, locked himself up within, he’d felt very anxious. His father even told me of how his son was able to teach himself to operate a computer without any instructions or class after they’d arrived in Taiwan shortly, that he was, extremely proud of him for it.
The boy said he was surprised as he’d heard his dad speak.
The Japanese father figures are usually authoritarian, lectured mostly, talked of only expectations for his own son, without any encouragements or praises. The boy’s arms, and legs were now, relaxed, toward the floor. He’d softened his stature now, there was, this feeling of love that was, flowing between all three of us now.
The father also, let his arms hung loosely to his sides too, became softened as well. There was, this energy of love that’s flowing, between the three of us now.
I’d asked the father, to show his love for his son.
The father agreed.
But after the father prepared himself, out came, a long winded, lecture. I guess, this was, extremely difficult for fathers, especially, Japanese fathers.
I’d taught the dad twice, even modeled the behaviors for him to see. And, as the father started sharing, he’d no longer spoken of the expectations, the reasoning anymore, instead, he’d started, talking of past experiences. The memories they’d made together, how they rode the bicycles, the father blushed, and that redness on his face, glowed in the realms of love for his own son.
continuing the conversations…
The boy was now, leaning forward, as if, he was ready, to take in all the love his father has for him now.
And, after a few tries, before I was able to, guide the father to speak, the boy called out, “Stop, just say the important things…”
Such, a touching scene, I watched this family, with my heart, filled with a ton of respects, and I’d started, giving them all the praises in the world then.
The father was stunned for a short bit, then, with my guidance, he’d, clenched his fist, looked deeply into his son’s eyes, I saw how much love flowed from him toward his own son, but there was this scent of not knowing what to do, how to react too that was there, it’d not been easy, for this father…
The father stopped for a short bit, then stated, “Sora, dad loves you too!”, I think, that the man did his best, and there’s no need, for me to teach him any further now.
The mother’s tears flowed uncontrollably now, the boy nodded, with feelings overflowing out of him too.
the R-E-S-O-L-U-T-I-O-N!!!
I asked the boy how he’d felt hearing his father telling him that he loved him, he’d told me he was excited and happy. Then, does the boy love dad too? The boy nodded, I’d invited him to share his feelings with his dad, without any hesitation, he’d called out, “I love you too, dad!”
Tears were, glistening down the father’s cheeks and in his eyes. At the moment we’d paused, the father took us back to the bike-ride days, he’d talked of how he felt, how he’d longed, to return to those good old days. He’d told his son, that he’ll be, rearranging the house, to make a small pass for the bicycles, so he could ride out with him. He’d wanted to, ride alongside his own son again, he’d even asked the boy, “Will it be okay with you?”
In the past, I’d usually stop them and make an observation at this point, to have the father talk about his feelings, how he grew up, so the father and son can understand each other better. But I didn’t, I’d drifted the focus to the father’s expectations of his son’s academic performances, how was he able to, let it go? The father spoke sensibly, “there are a lot of values outside making good grades, I’d put too much pressures on Sora in the past.”
I was really moved by the father’s words, I’d understand, how hard it was, for a president to talk like this.
Then, I’d invited the father to tell his daughter of his love for her, and this time, it’d come, easier, he’d clenched his fist tightly, called out his daughter’s name, said, “I love you, child…”
The daughter cried, as she nodded, she’d never heard her father told her he loved her.
I then, worked in this atmosphere of love that his family was then in, I’d invited the mom to enter into this particular discussion too. And because, this was a once-therapy session, the rest would have to wait, I’d had the family connect to one another using love for the time being.
At the end of our session, the boy wanted to speak to me alone, I can see how worked up he was, it’s just, he’d told me, not to share what he’d shared with me with no one else………
Working together with the goals of love, the goals we wanted to accomplish became clearer, I’d started, correcting my own behaviors in love, learned, how to clear up a pass for love to flow more freely, with the former obstructions of endless expectations, and those thought to be actions of love too………
I’d, taken part, in the journey of the love shared by this whole family.
So, you do see how here, expectations can damage a relationship between you and your loved ones, because this young boy was “taught” (not in so many ways, by through the hints he’d picked up along growing up???) that he needed to be perfect, otherwise, he’d lose the love from his own father, and because the father’s status at work, he’d taken that authoritarian approach to educate his own young, and, the mother saw how this is damaging the family’s way of relating to one another, she’d asked for help from a profession, and, with the intervention of the professional therapist, the communication passage became opened up, and that, is just how useful sometimes, conversation can be, but the forefront for having a conversation is that all of you should be open to listen to each other, to not rush to conclusion about anything, but this is usually hard, because family members are used to rush to judging one another, because that, is how we watched as our parents interact, and children are destined to repeat the way their parents interact, and duplicate what they saw and make it into how they act and react with the external environment.
Life, the Obstacle Course 