A House without Mom, Part I

Translated…

Before I’d Needed to Leave, I’d Whispered into My Mother’s Ears, Told Her, that No Matter What, Her Spirits Would Always Be with Me. My Mother Responded, She’d, Nodded, I’d Wiped My Tears Away, as I, Walked, Away from This Icy, Cold Place, My Mother Became Like Those Floating Pieces in Outer Space, Lying There, Lonely, in a Place Beyond Time, Like, a Lamb that’s Separated from the Flock………

Mom never returned back to this house again. She’d never imagined a day, neither had I. I kept believing, that this old shack is not only her place of residence, but it will also be, the place where she grows old and dies in.

from the papers…

But, everything, it came, too late.

The twists and turns of life happened, at the speed of twice the speed of life, I’d walked along on the streets, on a quieted afternoon, and, all of a sudden, I’d started to cry, silently. The dreams of growing older alongside my mother, at the end, it’d just, never, came true.

As usually, when I’d walked downstairs in this house, all I needed to do, was turn my head, and I’d, see my mother, leaning on the windows, waving goodbye, until I’d turned around, and how she was, watching me leave, this scene had, become, nonexistent now.

Back when she was younger, my mother didn’t know a thing about Feng Shui, and she’d bought this house, sitting, at the entrance of a road, and this house that the bank wouldn’t hand the loans out to, because Mazu lived downstairs, the urbanization didn’t make, because the neighbors refused to comply, and so, this house that my mother bought when she was younger, it’d, just, stood here, at the entrance of this, narrowed alley, the tall buildings behind it had, blocked out the lights, and the fire alley on its side had also, become, darkened too, and my mother’s eyes, well, they’d lost that luster, a long, long time ago too. She’d saved every last dollar, and played the games of turning off the lights with me, and, I can’t even, differentiate between light or darkness anymore, not knowing if it was day or night is considered a heightened kind of meditative state, and of course, that, was not what was happening, with my mother, she’d just felt, that as the train of her life sped toward the end, nothing is in her control anymore. And because of this, she’d gone downstairs to the man overseeing the temple, but the man always returned: Mazu refused to move, I’d asked her several times, and this, is the place she wants to live!

Mazu’s persistent mind, it’d crushed my mother’s dreams, of ever selling this old apartment, and ever since, nobody came to ask, nobody wants a house that’s facing the entrance of a street, plus one with a temple beneath it. When my mother was growing up in her hometown in Yunlin, she’d often gone to offer the blessings to the Fourth Mother, or maybe, she’d had that affinity with the Goddess, Mazu, but, did Mazu get too busy, that she’d, forgotten about, one of her most faithful followers.

not my drawing…

My mother first moved into this apartment, then, Mazu moved in. she was once, her most, faithful believers, and even as my father fell ill, she’d gone and asked this temple that had the statue of the dark-faced Mazu, her neighbor, but since my father died, she’d never, set foot in there, and never gone in and said “hi” to the statue since.

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I’d held my comatose mother’s hand in the E.R, I looked at her clothes, and knew, that that, was a simple outfit she’d gotten put on after her bath. I’d closed my eyes, to recall what she was doing before she fell into a coma, after she’d walked around out and about, after she’d arrived home, she’d definitely gone to take a shower, then, offered the blessings to the Gods and her husband too, then, cook something, for herself, then, turned on the news stations. And on this day, her ritualistic routines only got to the shower, and she’d walked to her room, and felt sick, then, fell into bed. I’m like a detective, rewinding the times, I’d felt this soured sensation from my heart now, I’d smelled the scent of urine from her clothes. The E.R. is like an orphan, the ambulance can only deliver her to the hospital that my mother didn’t want to be in the most, without a choice, waited there, but no doctors came, and after the doctors came, my mother was like a slaughtered pig, ready to be offered, hauled up, onto the diagnostic machines, the CT scan showed that there was a clog in an artery inside her brain, the car crash she was in awhile back, she said she was okay, and didn’t get a CT scan, at that very moment, I knew, she’d been, too careless. And even if the car wreck wasn’t the direct cause of her embolism, but it was, a primarily related cause, because after she got into that accident, she’d stopped hiking and exercising, plus the weather was unstable, she’d not expected, that the hardest part was to come later.

A doctor seemingly with the skill, took a tube, and started, extending it into my mother’s nose, my mother in her coma, subconsciously, felt the pains, and grabbed my hand tight, I’d heard a sound that came from her stomach, that sounded like something got stuck, then the doctor told the nurse, we’d connected to the right positions.

And ever since, a tube became, a part of my mother, like the god of fortune in Hinduism, it’s just, that my mother is NO god of fortune, she’d saved up every last penny in her life, and in the end, she’d entered on this road that caused her to lose the most amount of money, being on the path to spend endless amount of money. Had she known this, could she have, spent her money more carelessly?

As my mother was admitted into the I.C.U., I’d started filling out the questionnaire that the nurses had handed to me, other than the family histories of illnesses, medical histories, as history of allergies, there was a question that kept, circling in my mind since, the nurses asked about my mother’s history of birth. I’d become, silent, all of a sudden. Before I needed to leave, I’d, whispered into my mother’s ears, told her, that no matter what, her spirit will always be with me. My mother responded, she’d nodded, and, I, walked away, from that freezing cold place, wiping my tears away, my mother became like the fragmented, the shattered pieces in outer space, just free floating, lying there, lonely, inside that space that transcends time, like a lamb who was, separated from her flock.

And this, is the process of a daughter, watching how her own mother is, slowly, taken over by old age and illness, and, she watches, as her mother slowly, loses everything, and she felt very sad and trying, about her own mother’s life…