Translated…
Don’t know when, but I’d started noticing, that my eight-year-old son, when he’d gotten scolded, he’d not thought about what he’d done wrong, instead, he’d cried to me, wanted me to comfort him, and this just made me angry.
I’d believed, that my son’s behaviors were caused by his father, because after my son started crying for no more than three minutes, his father would go and give him love, which led me to believe, that my son was confused by the behaviors, and wanted me to console him after I’d scolded him too.
In order to change this, I’d decided, NOT to allow my son to have his ways. When he’d misbehaved, I’d waited until he’d figured out what he’d done wrong, then, I’d showered him with my attention. A few days ago, he was to have breakfast with his grandparents, he’d started throwing his temper tantrum, because he’d not gotten enough sleep, I’d grilled him angrily, he was his usual self, called out, “You don’t console me”.
I’d told him, “You’d not think about what you’d done wrong, and wanted my console, that’s not reasonable.” He’d cried and told me he did, introspect, but I was, so mean to him. I’d felt more angered by this, “How, did you introspect? All I saw, was you, throwing your tantrums, and that I’d grilled you about it. All I’m saying to you, it is, for your own good. If it were, some other kid throwing a tantrum, would I bother with him?”, but my son kept hollering that I should show more care and concerns toward him incessantly, I’d not talked to him anymore, because I was angry at him.
After a little over half an hour, the air was, still, not yet cleared up, I was, reminded of what the expert told of needing to empathize with the child first, and so, I’d decided, to ask him why he got so upset. He’d told me, that I kept grilling him endlessly, I’d continued asking him, “Do you know why I’d scolded you?”, he’d replied, “Because you don’t like me.”
Then, it was, like I was, hit with a fist now! I’d checked with my son again, “You’re afraid, that I will abandon you?”, he said, “Yes.”
My question for many years finally resolved, turns out, that it was me, his mom, who’d caused him this lack of sense of security. When he was only three years old, I’d told him once, “Go and be someone else’s kid!” because of how angry I was with him. Perhaps, that’s left a depth of impression with him, and I’d not explained to him the times afterwards why I was scolding him, “Mom is scolding you, because you’d done something wrong, I still love you so.”
I’d thought, that I’d given my son a ton of love regularly, that he should know, that I loved him very much, but, it isn’t, necessarily so, children actually needed the verbal promises very much.
And that anger from inside of me slowly, dissipated, I’d smiled and hugged my son tightly, told him, “Of course I love you. You are my baby, why would I not want you. But, when you’d done something wrong, you still deserved to get scolded.”, then, my son finally started smiling too.
So, this, is a child’s lack of sense of security, he’d needed constant show of his mother loving him, and, when he’d done something wrong, and his mother scolded him, he’d believed, that his mother no longer loved him, and, there’s something wrong with this woman’s parenting techniques that’s caused her son to get the idea, that whenever he got scolded, he’d lost the love of his mother, but, the woman managed to clear things up, let her son know, that she was only mad at the way he’d behaved, and not at him.
Life, the Obstacle Course 