Experiences in life, translated…
December 1st is World A.I.D.S. Day, my husband is “positive” (HIV Positive.)
And this article is not just for him, but for ALL who had contracted A.I.D.S., as well as ourselves—those of us who are living, side-by-side, with those diagnosed with A.I.D.S., whether or not you know, your loved ones, or friends, or coworkers, are HIV Positive.
The first day I met him, he’d told me he was positive. I’d asked him carelessly when he’d told me. In the gay community in the U.S., it’s an ordinary question for those of us who are interested in one another.
He’d answered carelessly, that he was H.I.V. negative, not infected; but two seconds later, he’d looked at me, told me, “I’m positive”. We just, stared at one another in silence, and, don’t know how much time passed, I’d stated, “okay, that’s fine”. And, there was, a light smile, curling up the corners of his lips.
I’m a sociology professor, a pastor at a gay church in New York, I’d come into contact with a lot of people who had contracted A.I.D.S.; I’m more educated on the subject of HIV and A.I.D.S. than the average person. But, at the moment when he’d told me the truth, I was shocked, to find, that I wasn’t, as open as I thought I would be, I felt the impact of life immediately, a combination of love and fear, the sensible and the irrational, and the intertwining of reality versus idealism.
I know, that I was, working hard, to focus.
Later on, I’d kept asking myself: what, am I afraid of? I know how A.I.D.S. is transmitted, I know, that unless he wasn’t being treated, and refusing the medications, the virus would be up in the numbers inside of his body, and, unless we had unsafe sex, otherwise, I won’t contract it. I know, that even IF I’d contracted it, unless I refused treatment and not take the meds, otherwise, I will live on, fine, as any healthy person. My fear does NOT come from the virus, but, from the lack of love and compassion, because of this uneducated world, that thinks that it knows it all.
Actually, the virus is more forgiving than people are, at least, the virus does NOT discriminate against anybody.
As we entered the 21st Century, the A.I.D.S. virus is no longer life-threatening. It’d spread like hepatitis B and C. An article in 2013 at the Conference on Retroviruses and Opportunistic Infections stated that those who were treated with A.I.D.S. once the virus is undetected, and if the person was to have sexual intercourse, then, the chances of contracting the virus is almost zero; if you have safe sex, than, it’s safer. Actually, in the declaration in Switzerland in 2008, when the virus is undetected, then, it won’t be transmitted to someone else anymore. But, for the sake of safety, the medical field still encourage us all, to engage in safe sex, to use a condom, just in case. But, the views that the world has toward A.I.D.S. is that it’s synonymous with homosexuals, getting mixed together, a dirty illness. The A.I.D.S. virus became horrid because of the homosexuals, and, homosexuals had been proven to be unacceptable by God and man, because of A.I.D.S.
I feared becoming his lover, just like how I feared the world would reject my sexual preferences. That was, during the bottom half of 2008, I thought, that I’d become, totally, fearless, since two years ago when I’d come out of the closets.
That evening, I lay in bed, unable to sleep, felt that deep rooted regret, because I knew, that when I told him, “okay, no problem”, I was actually, calculating, that after a few weeks, I can break up with him, just say, that we’re, incompatible, that it wasn’t related to the disease.
Turns out, I’m so weak, I can’t, beat out fear.
I recalled a line from the Bible: There’s No Fear in Love. And, my heart moved, there was, so many feelings inside of me. I feared, because I’m not loving enough; because I’m not brave enough, my heart won’t be free.
Later on, we’d ended up, together. Because he was the one I wanted, because I loved him. It’s, just, that simple.
Shortly after I’d known him, he’d told me, that the New York A.I.D.S. Prevention Organization wanted to photograph him as a person who’s HIV Positive, to bring about awareness, to educate the world about this illness. He’d asked if I was okay with it, that would I mind, that he’s so open about his condition, that would I fear, that people might mistake me for being HIV Positive became I was with him. I’d told him, no problem! It’s something that should be done.
This time, it was, from my heart. He’d started, laughing very openly, perhaps, maybe, this time, he’d sensed that there’s something that’s different, in the way I told him that I wouldn’t mind at all.
I know, that there are a lot who had contracted A.I.D.S. that weren’t killed by the virus, but by one’s own fears, as well as the discrimination by the world, they’d chosen, to end their own lives.
My husband was diagnosed in 2001, he’d refused to take the medications, other than the fact, that he’d distrusted the western medicines, and liked the traditional Chinese medicines (he’s African American, which was, a bit weird!), another reason, as he’d told me later on, was that because he wasn’t willing to accept the fact, that he was, HIV Positive. He’d feared how the world would look at him. And, he’d gotten sick for an entire year, first, pneumonia, then, encephalitis, he’d almost died; in the end, he’d decided, to fight for his own life, started taking the medications. And, immediately, his health got better. Actually the doctor told me, that he’d started on the medications a bit too late, but, it couldn’t get any worse, so, the doctor still treated him. And, now, other than that there are NO signs of the virus in his body now, he’s even healthier than I am, because he’d watched his diet, his schedules, as well as kept up with his exercises.
We’d met at the bottom of 2008, we were married, in 2011, after legalization of gay marriages in New York.
Being with him, I’d gained a depth of the understanding of all the weakness of human nature, including fear, and all things evil, including discrimination, isn’t outside of the self. I’m grateful toward him, for letting me know, how deeply we loved one another, and how much courage can come from this love we share; how brave we both are, that, is how much freedom we would have too. If we’re, taken by fears, it’s because we’re not loving ourselves, each other, everybody else, enough yet.
Because, there’s NO fear in love; truth, set us free!
And so, this, is a man’s journey to discovering the self, to him, accepting himself wholely and completely, and, it still wasn’t easy, especially when you have to deal with the outside world’s discriminations of you, but this man and his partner did it!
Life, the Obstacle Course 