This, would be, a FACT here, translated…
Awhile ago, I got a message from a mother online, said that she’d become dead-locked in a relationship with her own son, hoped that I can help her out.
She’d mentioned, that the reason why their relationship had gotten this bad was probably because her son is in the last year of high school right now, was about to take his college entrance exams, that the pressures he’d felt had, caused him to become rebellious, and she’d, wanted what was best for her son, started limited the time he watched television, and the time he should come home.
Although, everything she’s doing was for the sake of her son, and she’d wanted to communicate well with him, but whenever her son sees her, he’d turned and walked away from her, with absolutely ZERO desires of talking with her; and regularly, he’d, locked himself inside his room, and after he’d gotten his food at meal time, he’d returned, back into his room again, the home seemed to have been turned into a hotel, and the mom became, the service maid. Even if they’d started talking, the son would always feel that she was nagging, said that he was stressed out by his mom, wanted to be himself, with his own time, and his own friends.
Actually, all of these views, she’d supported and agreed to, but, there’s got to be limit. She doesn’t want to nag him, but, every time she’d started talking, she’d wanted to, change his way of seeing things, and, before she finishes her sentences, the son would, turn away, and leave, leaving her, stressed out.
After I’d read, I had no replies for this mother, and I can only share with her, my experiences of interactions, we can’t change anybody else, unless the person is willing to change on her/his own. But, parents can still influence the children to do what is right.
Recently I’d read a book by Dr. Chung-Ching Hong, it’d mentioned, “to try to help make a change using criticisms is next to impossible”, what’s more important, the one being judged and criticized, as well as the one, judging and criticizing, are both unhappy.
The criticizer carried the attitude of “It’s for your own good”, but most of the times, this, is the start of mistrust, because most times, all the criticisms dished out aren’t accepted—when the listener heard an opinion that’s totally opposite of what one believes, most of the people would shut down. And so, no matter how good the advice, toward an unwilling ear, it’d all become, nagging.
On the other hand, the criticizer would usually place too much emotions into the words, and attributed one’s own displeasures to how the other person had refused to change, believed, that as long as things are done their ways, then, the problems are solved, that life would be happy. But the truth is, the more we criticized, the more unwilling the other person is to make a change, and, the more the other person refused to change, the unhappier we’d become.
If you want to help your child, you must, return, to the origins. For instance, on the time to come home, the parents can allow the child tell what time is acceptable to her/him, and the parents then give out advice on safety, like, going on the small roads will be dangerous, or how when you are watching the news together, something relevant comes up, and use that as an opportunity to teach, to help the child build up that sense of emergency.
And, most of the times, the kids wanted their independence because of peer pressures, this, is a stage of “my friends are more important than my parents” that all children who grow up go through, during which time, the parents would need to become more companion-like to their young, to accept, to acknowledge, after awhile, when the child is matured psychologically, and, everything will go back to the way it was. And, with this time of adventure, it can enrich the lives of your own kids too.
So, the key is in how hard, to keep your kids on a leash, you can’t keep them on a tight leash, because the harder you tried to hold on to them, the harder they would struggle, to break free from your control, so, why not just let go, and allow your young to have some freedom, and, STOP bugging your kids about curfews, homework not being done on time, waking up late for school, let them take responsibilities for their own mistakes, after all, if you don’t allow your young to make their shares of mistakes, how are they supposed to learn anything?
