An Ever-Lasting Nostalgia

On the loss of a loved one, translated…

Today marks the one-hundredth day that my beloved son, Kai-Kai left us, for an alternative world.  To date, it is still, like a nightmare, but, even IF I’d screamed out so loud, my heart being broken again and again, and again, when I came to, I can’t, put my arms around him, or kiss him anymore.

Every morn as I’d opened up my eyes, I saw his innocent smile, greeting me good morning; as I’d lifted my head toward the blue skies outside my windows, saw the white clouds, it is, as if, he’s an angel with a ton of compassions, soaring, high above the skies.

He is now, watching over all of his dearly beloved friends and families from high up; on the evenings, the moon, with the stars, imprinting his soulful eyes, waving toward us goodnight, wishing us all sweet dreams.  Everything I come into contact with would always remind me of him, and, it would be hard, not for me to, imagine, that he is still, very active, and alive in our lives.

During this time, after the majestic wake, the remembrance of the impacts he’d made on all our lives, as well as the supports from all our families and friends, I witnessed the hard work that Kai-Kai put in, to live his life, as well as the endless amount of applauses he’d received for his hard work, I’d understood, that the reason why he was able to be so loved was because of his optimism, with the nature of a studious man, worked hard, kind and gentle nature, his character of hard working mannerism, he’d managed to make a ton of friends, gained a ton of knowledge, spread his values of a greater love to others, in his shortened passages of life, filling the world up with rainbows everywhere he’d gone.

So, I’m slowly, letting go now, whether it be if he chose it, or that the heavens are envious of a great young man, I had, come to respect and accept the results of this reality of mine.

Although it was, heartbreaking to lose him, but, the sunny boy that Kai-Kai was made me realize, that he was my pride and joy, although we were unfortunate to lose him, but we were able to gain friendships from all over the places, gained ourselves a ton of children who’d become very close to us both, I’m truly grateful toward our families for their supports, his childhood playmates, friends, his coworkers, his partners in work, as well as all of his companions from the extracurricular activities he’d been involved in, they’d given their selfless love and moving heart.

Awhile ago, I’d gone to Kai-Kai and my daughter-in-law, Xing’s small but warm home, I’d seen romantic thoughts, cares and concerns on strips of papers all over the places, as well as the photos of them on their wedding day, of their travels, showing how much they loved one another, and their wishes for the future too, looking through all corners, I felt moved, as every single corner was stuffed with messages of their love that runs so deep, and, every part of it makes my heart break.  “Dearest husband, meeting, knowing, accompanying you, is my never-changing faith, being able to be married to you is the best thing in my life.”  “Dearest wife, you’re my baby, every second, every minute, of every single day, if I can see you in my ordinary life from day to day, all my troubles will go away.”  I’m truly grateful toward the sweet and wonderful Xing, for giving my son a ton of bliss in his final three years of life, and still, at the moment when they’re the happiest, their dreams went bust, I’m sure, that the traumas she’s facing is comparable to mine, although, time is the best healer, but, after all, it is, a hard and bumpy path to travel down.

I want to truly pray that she gains the wisdom, and faith, that’ll help her get over the loss, to shorten the time she would spend in struggling living life without him, and, with the help and support of her families and friends, as well as their friends, to shorten the length of her grief, so she could start, having that lightness to her steps again, to give herself enough space and time, so she could get to live another, more beautiful dream, that, is the best way to honor the memories of Kai-Kai.

We will string all our tears of sorrows, make them into the pearl necklace of all our blessings, and, keep this eternal nostalgia inside of us forever, to show our true hearts, to get ourselves out of the vortex of sorrow without Kai-Kai’s accompaniment, so he could have NO worries, and completely, get away from the restraints of the known world, so he could soar his wings and fly away, to fulfill an even more majestic, more important destiny.

And so, this, is the process of healing after losing a child, and, I’m sure, that the parent here had gone through all the faces of grief, the denial, the bargaining, etc., etc., etc., for her, to finally let go of her son, and help her daughter-in-love move on with her life too.