An Unwelcomed Guest

Translated…

You’d always barged in.

Just like that bright and sunny spring afternoon, I sat, leisurely on a park bench, watching the flowers bloom and the leaves turn green, hearing the gentle breezes. All of a sudden, I saw an elderly man, slowly, walking up that slope, and the way he’d carried himself and his body type, looked so much like my father who’d died all of a sudden several years ago. I’d looked toward that shadow that’s coming close and going off, felt that strong sense of unwillingness of letting go. I’d turned my head back, and saw you sitting next to me, quiet as usual.

You’re here, and the world fell silent, the wind became still too. The sun that shone down became too pale, the birds stopped chirping too. There’s this silence in the world now, you’re my faithful and intimate friend, sitting close, and just, accompanying me, in this nostalgic sorrow of mine. That, was a kind of gentle pain, leading me closer to god, with the use of silence, talking to Him about the thoughts I couldn’t verbalize. Missing the deceased, became like a net that comes into the skin; with this soundless description, taking shape, expand, then, dissipate, and what remained at the very end is, the gratefulness I have for life itself. After a long time, I’d heard the wind sounding off again, the birds chirped. Underneath the warmth of the sun, you’re already gone.

My earliest memories of you started in the afternoon when I was just four. That day, I was playing at home, and, I’d turned my head, and found that my father wasn’t there anymore, that there was just the neighboring lady there. She’d told me, that mom and dad and my newborn brother will be home soon, told me to wait and behave. I’d gotten angry for no reasons at all, ran out to the lanai, and, scanned the streets down below, for my parents. In the end, I couldn’t find anybody, instead, I saw you, a strange child, standing quietly, by the corner of the lanai, and, all of a sudden, the lanai became so very huge, boundless, and my parents aren’t there, they were, at another place, embracing my younger brother. And only you and I remained in this world on the lanai, and I don’t like you at all; you don’t smile, you don’t talk either. In order to express my dislike toward you, I’d started screaming and crying. My cries were so sharpened, that the neighboring lady came out and carried me back inside. I’d just, continued, crying, crying, crying endlessly, until I’d fallen asleep, I couldn’t even see you leave.

Then, we both grew up. In middle school, you’d started bugging me. in high school, I’d still see you everywhere, whether if I’m alone, sitting underneath a tree, or out on a date with someone at the restaurant, or at the gathering to celebrate the winning of a ball game………, I’d always, see you, in a corner, and it’d had me, dumbfounded. And, everything around me would always disconnect, when you’d shown up all of a sudden. Do you know how awful it felt? And so, when there was no one around, I’d started screaming out at you, and put on those deafening music too, and I’d called on all my friends, as we’d hung out in the public places. I’d tried, using any and ALL possible ways, to get you out of my life, but, you’d followed me around. When everybody was laughing their asses off at a friend’s jokes, I’d lifted my head up, and saw you again. Those days, we’d bumped into one another a lot, and yet, we’d treated each other with such atrocities.

As I’d entered into the workforce, during that time, life just didn’t go my way. On a night when the rain poured down hard, you’d, once again, knocked on my doors. I’d realized, that I couldn’t have the energy, to turn you away, I’d chosen to face you. That evening, we sat, facing one another, in silence, as the jazz music played on the entire evening. That was, the very first time I’d looked at you, with a peacefulness and concentration, and, I’d accidentally found that gentleness, in your eyes that were deep like the oceans. You never meant to harm me, did you? And, just like so, we’d become friends. With the years that passed by, we’d gotten to know one another more and more better and better. As I’d entered into midlife, you’d no longer shown up. Normally, when you’d shown, you’d only sat for a few minutes then left. And, if you’d not go, it was, to lead me into that mysterious chambers inside of my own mind, to help me find the peace for that jitteriness, that unsettlement that’s locked up within. There, I could better hear what my heart is saying, and lonely—my friend, you’d always, leave me, without me knowing.

And so, this, is how someone learns to deal with one’s own loneliness, from the beginning when the narrator works so hard to fight it off, and, putting her/himself in the midst of a crowd, to drown out that loud silence of her/his own heart, to finally, in midlife, accepting her/his loneliness, and enjoying being in the company of.